


It Was Me That Held The Key

by Waffleberry



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M, POV Peter Kavinsky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-08 05:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waffleberry/pseuds/Waffleberry
Summary: It was never going to happen. It did.OrThe Covinsky scenes from Peter's POV.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't even try to fight this. I saw the movie, fell in love with Covinsky and immediately came here to satisfy my craving for more. The fics in this fandom are A+. 
> 
> Since I can just never have enough Peter POV fics and I really needed to get this out of my head, I decided to share. 
> 
> Inspired and motivated by Noah Centineo's interview in which he said Peter was always interested in Lara Jean but knew she was the one during the dinner at his house.
> 
> Title from Goo Goo Dolls "Use Me" because I find that song perfect for these two and this movie.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter that started it all.

Peter is lying on his bed- legs stretched out, head propped with a pillow against the headboard, arm up, keeping her letter in front of him as his eyes peruse it over and over again. 

 

Lara Jean Covey.

 

She likes his eyes. They're beautiful to her. Apparently  _he_  is beautiful to her. 

 

Or at least he used to be. Maybe he isn't anymore. From the wording of the letter and the style of it, he is convinced that this was written a while ago. Years ago. Who knows if her feelings are still the same? But then, why would she send the letter now, if she no longer feels this way? She must still like him. It's why she's sent the letter so soon after the most recent breakup with Gen, isn't it? 

 

He's looking at the paper and gets caught up in the cursive flowing across it. He's always liked her handwriting, he thinks. Whenever he had to borrow her notes - back when they were close enough that he  _could_  borrow her notes - somehow her script always made him feel better about whatever topic was proving problematic. It was just so very reflective of Lara Jean: confident, put-together and really pretty. 

 

The fact that she sent a letter - one that she would have sat down and carefully handwritten when all anyone does these days is use text or chat - makes her admission feel intimate and entirely between them. _For_ them. Peter isn't even sure he should be reading this, to be honest, because it feels a little too personal, given the current state of their relationship (or lack thereof) but she sent it so obviously she wanted him to read it. 

 

He's flattered by her interest, he really is, and it has come at a perfect time to boost his self-confidence, seeing that his long-term girlfriend just ditched him but he's not sure what her endgame here is. He's not even sure what he wants it to be. 

 

His first reaction is, of course, to think how cute and move on. But he's finding that he can't. It's why he's still poring over this letter a good hour after he opened it and was surprised by its contents. He's unable to get past the fact that Lara Jean Covey was at one point so totally into him. 

 

He knows why. It's because Peter has always liked Lara Jean. He knows this because he has always been aware of her, has always noticed her - how smart she is, how kind she is, how pretty she is... how reserved and low-profile she is.

 

He knows back then everyone thought it all about him and Gen but Lara Jean had always charmed him (still does to this day, he acknowledges). He knows he was way more eager than she was about that kiss in seventh grade and for a while he retained hope that she liked him, too, and that they could be more than just friends. But then she started hanging out with him less and stopped altogether when he and Gen became a thing. 

 

Although he wasn't sure of her feelings back then, now he is quite convinced that something would have happened between him and Lara Jean had he never gotten together with Gen. Now he knows that she felt the same way he did. It makes sense - they always had good rapport and he's always thought she was cute. Okay, not always cute - he's being honest here - sometimes hot. Okay, not sometimes hot; often hot, with those short skirts or shorts, those knee-high socks she tends to favour and those badass boots that just seem to  _work_  for her. Usually, he will to cede to females when it comes comes to opinions on feminine fashion but Gen was wrong about those boots. They were goddamn lit on Lara Jean. 

 

Thinking about the boots reminds Peter of that first day of school and how she almost mowed him down with her car. At first he was exasperated with the idiot that clearly couldn't drive but that changed when he saw how upset, terrified, worried and embarrassed she was about the whole thing. And somehow that made him want to put her at ease by playfully teasing her. 

 

Yes, he needled her about if she was going to be okay but he genuinely wanted to make sure that she would be and that she wasn't distraught and could handle herself. It was the most he had spoken to her in forever and he found that he enjoyed it, seeing all her emotions play out on her face. He found that he had missed it. 

 

His finger traces the edges of the letter before he taps it against his lips, realisation hitting him. He is free to pursue this if he wants. He isn't sure that's the right thing to do at the moment, though. He and Gen just broke up and while part of him doesn't really believe she's going to stay away from him for long, he's done. He put up with so much from her for so long, believing they were in love and were in this together, only to be tossed aside when someone shinier came along. And maybe he held on longer than he should have. He is self-aware enough to recognise that when his dad left, he redoubled his efforts with Gen - defending her against other people, indulging her bad habits, catering to her every whim -  in an attempt to ensure that one more person in his life didn't abandon him. Yet still, she left him.

 

So yeah, he's done. It hurts and part of him will probably always want to go back to her - he knows her, she was his first for so many things (and his only for so long) - but he's resolute that he's not going to be the idiot hanging around where he's not wanted. 

 

He needs some time for himself. Some time to disentangle himself from this mess of a relationship. Some time to be Peter Kavinsky, not Peter, one half of Peter and Gen.

 

So, as much as he's sad (he's discovering) about having to let Lara Jean down, his life is just too complicated right now to do anything about this heartfelt, sweet letter from a girl that apparently lurks in the back of his mind. 

 

Now that he knows his stance on the letter, he has to figure what to do about Lara Jean. If it were any other girl, he probably would just leave it alone because why cultivate something when there's nothing there? But this is Lara Jean, the girl who was his first kiss; a kind, caring person and definitely someone who deserves more than just being ignored. (He's not touching the fact that there already exists something to cultivate; something that could have thrived if they had nurtured it). 

 

So. Here's what he'll do: he'll thank her for the sentiment (because he's not a fool; he knows the value of the attentions and affection of a girl like Lara Jean Covey. And, nope, not wandering down that alley of regret that he won't ever know what could have been if he'd known in seventh grade how she felt about him). He'll do it in such a way that he can still build on this new communication they have going since he likes being around her and he likes talking to her. He'll be kind but clear that he's not interested right now. She won't take offence and maybe, just maybe, they can make their way back to being friends.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The scene on the track
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter gets jumped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ALL so very, very, very much for your appreciation and feedback on this fic! I hope you all continue to enjoy reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it. Happy Friday!

He doesn't know why he brings the letter to school with him. It's dangerous, since anyone could stumble across it and that is not his intention. He wants to keep this private, between him and Lara Jean (really, away from Gen because: a) he can't handle the drama that would come with her finding out and b) he really doesn't want to subject Lara Jean to any more of Gen's hate.

 

It's just...it's nice. It's nice to have this tangible proof that someone - no, scratch that, not just someone, freaking Lara Jean Covey of all people - thinks he's worthy of her affection. It's nice to know that he's not the waste of time that Gen dumping him would indicate that he is.

 

He hasn't exactly determined when he's going to talk to Lara Jean. He just knows that it has to be somewhere relatively private so that she doesn't think he's embarrassing her in front of anyone. He feels a bit weird, though, that she hasn't approached him yet. After all, she sent the letter so she knows he would have read it. He's going to assume that she's leaving him alone because she tossed the ball in his court and is now waiting on him to make the next move. Strange, though, that she hasn't so much as looked his way once all day to see what his reaction has been.

 

It's nearing the end of the day when he has his free period, which he decides to spend outside in the sunshine. It's been a rough few days since this thing with Gen and now this thing with Lara Jean so he doesn't feel like being around his usual gaggle of friends. That's when he sees her PE class out at the field. She's currently running laps around the track with Chris (he's going to have to politely get rid of that one, oh, joy!), the bright yellow of her tee-shirt contrasting vibrantly against her swinging black hair. For some reason, he can't seem to halt the smile that crosses his face upon seeing her.

 

She makes the turn, quickly heading his way, so he saunters out on to the track, letter in hand, to talk to her. She and Chris are so caught up in their conversation that they run right past him, which, again, confuses him, because you would think that she would be looking to talk to him. She is, in fact, acting as if she doesn't care about him at all - almost as if she never sent the letter and he never read it. 

 

Exasperation creeps into him as he becomes the one doing the chasing. He reaches them and _What the hell, Chris? Seriously_? He knows she doesn't like Gen and always thought he could do better but it's still raw and still hurts so he doesn't exactly appreciate her heckling, though he supposes it should be expected. He gives her back as good as he's willing to and their ridiculous banter eventually manages to make him smile.

 

Finally, finally, he's alone with Lara Jean and he reminds himself -  _kind but clear._ He thinks he does a good job with the kind part but completely destroys the clear part when he blurts out that it's never going to happen. His brain sort of malfunctions and something that he's been repeating to himself, in an attempt to keep any hopes and expectations at bay (because there's no way that Lara Jean still wants him after all this time, even his own girlfriend doesn't want him) spills out to insult her. He wants to kick himself for hurting her feelings ( _Way to go, Kavinsky_!) but he's starting to believe that there weren't any feelings to begin with? Lara Jean is utterly confused by what is happening so he decides to add context.

 

Unfortunately, that leads to him rambling and confiding some of what's been going on with him, which apparently either bores her or makes her physically ill. The next thing he knows, she's fainted on the track right there in the middle of PE class. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lara Jean collapses not from exhaustion, not from physical exertion, but from lack of interest in what he's saying. _Great_.

 

It freaks him out a little that he's made her unwell so he calls for help while trying to revive her. This close to her, he's reminded of how pretty he thinks she is, her delicate features framed by that gorgeous head of hair.  _So_ not what he should be focusing on right now. 

 

She comes to and insists that she's okay but he is not convinced at all. He isn't going to leave her until she's up and has probably drunk some water so he remains crouched next to her on the track, barely restraining himself from reaching out to ensure she doesn't have a temperature or something.

 

When she starts repeating, "Oh my God!", he hears the despair in her voice, causing the worry he feels to intensify. He's about to ask her what's wrong, what does she need when he suddenly feels himself being pushed down on to the track, her small arms surprisingly strong and quick. Next thing he knows, her lips are on his and  _Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!_   _WHAT is happening here?!_ Well, apart from being kissed senseless by Lara Jean Covey...

 

Her lips are soft and gentle and some part of his mind also notes that they're inexperienced but that gets ignored because now he's tasting her. This is nothing like that one, innocent kiss they shared eons ago. This is longer, with some level of emotion behind it ( _Maybe she does still like you,_ his brain whispers) and curse him and his good intentions of staying unattached but he enjoys it. His arms instinctively start to wrap around her as his tongue darts out to trace her lips when some screeching voice has the audacity to interrupt them. She pulls away, looking down at him apologetically while he's still trying to grasp that she has extricated herself from a perfectly good position in his embrace. 

 

She thanks him, ( _thanks_ him?!?), rather impersonally but well okay, you know what? You're _very_ welcome, Covey! Much to his confusion (that's starting to become a regular state when it comes to Lara Jean), she runs away before he can gather his wits enough to call out and stop her. He's left reclining on the track, trying to figure out what just happened and being stared down by a very perturbed... Josh... Sanderson?

 

Peter absent-mindedly runs his tongue over his lips as he thinks that he just can't leave it at that. He has to follow her, right? Make sure that she knows this - they - are not happening? The fact that she kissed him means she thinks it's a possibility so he just has to catch up with her and clear that up. It's not because he's suddenly entranced by her and contemplates what it would have been like to let that kiss continue for a while. It's not that he's wondering what it would be like to kiss her again. Nah, he just needs to make sure she's good. So, you know, he will.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diner (part 1)/Outside the Covey home
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter makes a proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this one was really fun to write. Hope you like it!

When Peter pulls up to Lara Jean's house, he has to admit that he doesn't have a game plan. Sure, in general, he will reiterate that he's not looking for anything right now (and he's pretty sure that she wouldn't want to get involved with the mess that he currently is) but he has no distinct approach like he did with  _kind but clear_. For all the good _that_ did. 

 

He does have new information, though. She still likes him. She kissed him so clearly she still likes him. It's a pity he can't act on that. 

  

It throws him a bit when her younger sister answers their door but, recalling their last (only?) encounter, he greets her with, "Hey! Glad to see you're still in one piece.", which is accompanied by a conspiratorial grin.

 

She rolls her eyes, responding, "Ugh, just barely!" before returning his smile. Lara Jean is not at home but the little one gleefully provides a list of places she could be. 

 

Fortunately for him, he finds her at the diner. He sees her through the window and just the sight of her lifts his mood. He's surprised - he expects he should feel trepidation or dread in having to address what should be an uncomfortable situation - but... he's actually looking forward to talking to her. 

 

The truth is, he's in awe of her - that she could feel such strong emotions; that she could express them so eloquently; that she's not ashamed or apologetic about how she feels. He would admire her bravery, too, for sending the letter but he's beginning to suspect that she never meant for him to read it, if her fainting spell was any indication. 

 

He remains outside the diner for a couple of minutes, admiring the way her hair falls down her back and she looks so upset (which, given everything, she has reason to be), that he just wants to go talk to her and try, somehow, to brighten her day.

 

She is so distracted that she does not even notice when he enters and sits down a few seats away from her, all caught up in her frustration with the straw that refuses to cooperate and just open already. He can tell her emotions are escalating so it's at that point that he decides to casually announce himself. She does not look at him until after he places his order and he treads carefully, wanting to help calm her down by not making a big deal about why he's there. He takes the first opening he gets but then she's telling him that she doesn't want to date him and does not, in fact, like him, Peter Kavinsky.

 

Well, that piques his interest (and hurts more than it should, really). If that's the case, why did he get jumped earlier in the day? It turns out... he was being used? He gives her the benefit of the doubt but if that's the story she's selling, then he needs all the details. Don't ask him why he is having so much fun getting this all out of her - he just is.

 

Until he finds out he is not the only person that received a letter. That deflates him like he would not have believed. He is not even one of two people; he's one of five. Well, that sucks. Now he's wondering who else she wrote to; whether she liked the specks in their eyes or if it was something else about them like their hair or their smile. Did she kiss any of them, too? He's really trying to take it in stride - G _irl got game!_ \- but it becomes apparent to him that he was harbouring hopes of  _some_ thing happening because of this letter. That is the only explanation for the disappointment coursing through him right now.  So much for being special to Lara Jean Covey. So much for her still liking him. 

 

What is really bothering him, he knows, is that here he thought she still liked him but it turns out she likes her sister's (ex) boyfriend. He can tell she does not want that to be the case but if it's one thing he knows about Lara Jean, it's that she's refreshingly honest and wouldn't shy away from the truth. Well, until now. Until when she's trying to make Josh Sanderson think her interest in him has faded because she's now interested in Peter.

 

He would whistle at how horrible of a mess her situation is but that would just exacerbate things; she already knows how terrible it is. The thing is, though, now that he knows the very precarious position she is in, he cannot help but care about what is going to happen. Lara Jean has always been a decent individual and really, she does not deserve the nightmare that the fallout of this could become.

 

He is still mulling over that when she gets ready to leave and he remembers that he did not see her vehicle out front when he came in. Which means...

 

"That sparkly bike out front, is that your ride?" he asks, although he thinks he already knows the answer. Once again, he is impressed by her confidence and how is he so enchanted by her? Knowing that she's going through a bit of a rough time, he offers the services of his vehicle. She was in such a rush to escape him, he was half-expecting her to decline so he is rather pleased when she accepts. He figures it's her ingrained politeness but Peter does not really care at this point, because right now, he wants to be in her company.

 

As he drops her off, she apologises for jumping him, so he lets her off the hook because - not gonna lie - he really did enjoy it. He even flirts with her a bit, because he just cannot help it, thinking about that kiss.

 

Because he is involved now, because he cares and is really hoping that her problem could just get solved and go away, he asks what she's going to do. When she talks about telling the truth, he just has to know what that truth is. He needs to know if she likes Josh Sanderson. He needs to know if she wants to like Sanderson. What he really needs to know is if she could ever like him again, and _Wait, what?!?!_

He doesn't have time to examine that thought because then she's telling him it is not his problem and hopping out of his car. That leaves him thinking - isn't it already his problem? She made it his problem when she chose him as her solution to the Josh issue, albeit temporarily in her mind. But what if he could actually solve her problem? What if he could be the one thing that keeps this from spiraling out of control and keeps her life a little bit sane? This could work, right? It wouldn't just be a solution for her, it could also help him out by giving him a valid reason to keep Gen away from him. All he's doing is suggesting that they help each other out - that's it, that's all. So what if this idea in his head means that he would get to spend time with Lara Jean and keep kissing her like they did earlier that day? God, he wants to keep kissing her. So what if it means his seventh grade self finally gets to know what it's like to be Lara Jean's boyfriend? It could work. He's sure of it.  _Okay, Kavinsky, shoot your shot._

 

He does not have time to second-guess this brilliant solution he has devised, because she's halfway up her walkway so he races after her, tugging on the back wheel of her bicycle to grab her attention.

 

He makes the proposal - that they let everyone think they're actually together. He has to fib a bit about his motivations because he can't very well tell her he thinks he might be interested in her when a few hours ago, it was never going to happen. So he tells her that it would make Gen jealous and want to get back together with him. What he doesn't tell her is that he has absolutely no intention of getting back with Gen. He just wants Gen to know what it feels like to want someone and not be wanted in return; to know that she can't just toss him aside and expect that whenever she's ready, he's going to be there.

 

Peter really likes that Lara Jean calls him out about using her as his pawn but, ah ah, she already used him as her pawn and he's never been prouder of his negotiation skills. He doesn't lay it on thick and she knows he has a point - he sees the acknowledgement of it all over her face. She doesn't say yes but she also does not explicitly turn him down. He catches one last look at her while he's leaving and the sight of her alone makes the smile on his face even wider.  

 

He hopes she sleeps on it. He hopes she considers it. Most of all, he hopes she says yes. Even if she doesn't, he thinks they could probably spend more time together, hang out and be friends, like they used to be. 

 

As he's leaving, though, he sees Sanderson and figures he'll corroborate what the guy saw earlier by ensuring he sees Peter leaving Lara Jean's home. He doesn't know if this is him putting his wish out into the universe, hoping it it will become real or if he thinks he's doing Lara Jean a favour, but he tells Josh that they haven't been hanging out long...which would mean that they're "hanging out." All he can think is, "Tough luck bud. You missed your chance." He doesn't dwell on whose chance it is now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lacrosse field/Under the trees
> 
> or
> 
> Peter signs a contract

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to let you know that my thanks are infinite - every single comment and kudo continue to make my day.
> 
> Hope you like this one!

The sun is bright the next morning, as Peter and his teammates go through their drills on the field. He has not heard from Lara Jean yet and although it's still early, he is curious about how her night was. He's itching to know if she thought about his suggestion at all, and, if she did, what exactly went through her mind.

 

He figures he'll just have to wait and see what the day brings. 

 

Not too long after, though, her tiny frame appears in his sight line, marching determinedly towards him. Suddenly, he's nervous because he cannot gauge her demeanour, so he has no idea what she decision she has made. He is a little anxious that that her confident strut means she's going to turn him down. It's this doubt that keeps him where he is, maintaining the farce that he's caught up in training and, like a coward, he waits until she calls his name before removing his helmet and approaching her at last.

 

"What?" he asks her, as if he can't be bothered by what she has to say; as if he's not at all dying to hear what she wants to tell him. When she declares, "Let's do this!", he feels nothing but elation. He is also relieved and the first thing he thinks is, "Well, let the games begin." Cognizant of where they are, he decides that if they're going to make people believe that they're a couple, he better start now - so he leans down to capture her lips in a kiss, his arms wrapping around her waist to draw her near. 

 

He feels her tense up but she does not pull away, letting his lips roam hers. Her arms come up to gently embrace him and he cherishes the intimacy, enjoying the satisfaction of finally knowing what it's like to (properly) kiss Lara Jean. She is all warmth and soft body; whatever fragrance she's wearing intoxicates him, permeating his senses. This kiss is even more delicious than the last and he's thinking that he could get used to this, he could _really_ get used to this, when she pushes him away.

 

Peter cannot help but feel smug pride when he observes how much his kiss affected her; how much _he_ affected her. Her reaction is nothing short of utterly charming. He grins and sends her off to Trig comfortably, as if this is all perfectly normal for them and they have been doing this for a while. 

 

 _This,_ he thinks,  _is going to be fun._ He throws himself back into training with renewed vigour, counting the minutes until he gets to see her again. 

 

~~~~~~~

 

They meet up after school, at a rather idyllic location: a picnic table situated beneath a couple of pretty trees. He isn't sure what he's expecting from this but it would be something along the lines of getting to know each other better, sharing details that true couples would know about the other person and basically getting into that couple groove. He is not expecting that she would have rules and a... contract? He supposes he shouldn't really be surprised, though. This is, after all, Lara Jean, and he surmises she would approach this situation with the same diligence and attentiveness that she would any other project in her life.

 

Her demand that he stop kissing her leaves him astounded. His jaw literally (and no, seriously, actually literally) drops when she states this and just like that, all of his hopes and dreams are shattered. He was very much looking forward to the kissing component of their plan - he knows what it's like to kiss her now and he craves it - so he tries to negate her argument (she can't fault him at all - she  _was_ the one to kiss him first). Once he realises this is important to her, he backs off. It grates on him that she doesn't _want_ to kiss him (did she not like it? It seemed like she enjoyed it) and that she has already written off the entire thing as fake, but he respects her wishes. 

 

From a pragmatic standpoint, however, they need to find replacement PDA because he's right - no one in their right mind is going to believe two teenagers like each other and are together if they're not physically affectionate. If the James Dean reference hadn't already confused him (he ignores the voice in his head that points out that he understood said reference), the hand in the back pocket suggestion completely confounds him. He has no idea what Candles movie she is talking about and has never, in his entire life, even considered slipping his hand into a girl's (read: Gen's) back pocket as equivalent to kissing her.

 

Lara Jean tries to get him to somehow remember something he has never seen and although he is teasing her about it, he finds that he likes her old-school interests. It's endearing. He also finds that he cannot stop looking at her. Whenever he catches himself, he tries to avert his eyes but his gaze is drawn to her ( _he_ is drawn to her) and is um, is this him already starting to fall for her?  _That didn't take much, Kavinsky,_ he thinks. But then again, when you've low-key liked a girl for several years, it wouldn't take much, would it. 

 

She makes two more rules, the first involving this movie that she swears is a classic. He makes a show of not wanting to watch it but he will, because he'll get to spend time with her. The second rule, about keeping the truth of this affair secret, was pretty self-explanatory to him and completely unnecessary. He tosses in his own movie reference and his incredulity is real when he exclaims, "Are you serious? You've never seen Fight Club?!?!" Like, who hasn't? He needs to rectify this, pronto. 

 

That makes him excited - if she is going to make him watch a rom-com, then he can return the favour and have her watch another classic. He ignores the (unintentionally) inviting way she purses her lips together ( _because no kissing!_ ) and focuses on being able to educate her on something, instead of expecting her to teach him by default of being smarter. He likes that they are making plans to spend time together, time not necessarily required to make their relationship believable. His enthusiasm about this whole thing is starting to come back.

 

When she asks if there's anything else, he pauses, weighing whether or not the idea he's been mulling over is something he should voice. She wrote him a letter and he can't tell her what it meant - means -  to him (this is all fake, right?) but he could reciprocate and do something nice for her; something he believes she would appreciate, being the old-fashioned romantic that she is. He wants to do this - communicate with her through the method that she communicated her feelings to him. It could be their  _thing._ He takes a leap and hesitantly offers to write her notes, nervous that she would shut down this gesture. He's thought about responding to her letter but that would be cheesy, right? So this is a different way to show his gratitude. She seems touched by this, and when she scrunches her nose (in the most adorable way) after asking if he would do that, he simply replies, "Sure." He wants to say A _nything for you, Covey._ The veracity of that thought startles him, so he dials it back, playing it off as something that would aggravate Gen (which it would), returning to what Lara Jean thinks is his reason for being part of this.

 

Mentioning Gen reminds him that there are other activities Lara Jean would have to attend, being his girlfriend and all, and he adds parties and his lacrosse games to their growing contract. He hopes she enjoys going to those; he thinks he will enjoy having her there with him. When she stipulates that he has to drive her sister and her to school, he welcomes it because, hey - more time together. He also acquiesces so easily because he has an ulterior motive - the ski trip.

 

To his knowledge, Lara Jean has never gone on the ski trip and he definitely wants her there this year. Not only is it what couples do, it will be fun and they would up up spending the majority of their time together. It's three months away and he's already looking forward to it. She questions if they will still be doing the fake relationship by then but Peter uses logic on her, calling it a contingency. He doesn't think it's a contingency; he's of the opinion that it's an irrefutable reality and that's just the way it's going to be. He is not giving this up.

 

They sign this ridiculous contract (less ridiculous now, since she's bound to certain promises) and, Lara Jean, with her ever-adorable self holds her hand out for them to shake on it. This girl just keeps surprising him in the most unexpectedly delightful ways (seriously, she'll go on the ski trip but he can't kiss her? Okay...). When he grasps her hand to cement their agreement, it feels like they're now inextricably woven together. They probably are.

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's car/The cafeteria
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter's life is a romcom

As Peter is sitting at the dinner table, handing the salad bowl to his mother, his phone vibrates. He doesn't immediately pay any attention to it until he remembers that it could be Lara Jean, at which point, he whips it out of his pocket to see if she has, indeed, messaged him. He doesn't realise it but his entire face lights up when he sees that it's her.

 

_LJ: Hi Peter! Please don't forget pick up my sister and me tomorrow morning to drive us to school._

He chuckles - as if he would forget. Come on, Covey  give him some credit. 

_PK: Of course! What time?_

_LJ: 7:30am sharp! ;)_

_PK: You got it. See you in the AM, Covey._

 

He's still beaming as he puts his phone away, startled to attention by his mother's gentle "Ahem!" He looks up at her and the smirk on her face is enough to wipe the smile off of his.

"Who was that?" she asks, attempting to sound casual, but Peter knows his mother, knows what her tone means, especially when it's accompanied by that smile.

He feels a furious blush coming on -  _what the hell?_ \- and he has to drop his eyes when he responds. "That, uh, that was, um, Lara Jean. Lara Jean Covey."

"Oh!" The evident relief in his mom's voice captures his attention. "Are you two hanging out again?" 

 

He knows she means as friends; his mother doesn't using the term "hanging out" that way. He supposes it's a product of her generation. 

 

Her question makes him realise that he hasn't thought about what he would tell his family about Lara Jean and him. While he loves his family and made a personal pact to not lie to them in the aftermath of his father's abandonment, he's pretty sure that him being in a fake relationship won't go down well and so, he elects for what the actual truth is at the moment.

 

"We're starting to again, yeah," he replies, unable to stop the smile from tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Ooooooooh," Owen sing-songs, in the annoying teasing way only a little brother can manage. 

 

Peter ruffles Owen's hair, calling him, "Sillyhead," but he doesn't miss his mother's observation.

"That's good," she quietly comments. "I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time."

 

He looks over at her and notices the sheen of tears in her eyes. He reaches out his hand to hold hers, squeezing gently as he silently agrees,  _I haven't wanted to in a long time._

 

_~~~~~_

 

The following morning, he texts Lara Jean to let her know he's on his way and when he expects he'll be at her house. Although he tells himself it isn't a date, her sister will be with them, it's just a lift to school, he seems to be ignoring all of those facts because he finds himself nervous and insanely eager to see her. It's a familiar action, driving to school; something that's usually reserved for families or people that are like family. He likes the idea of being that close to Lara Jean.

 

He checks himself as he pulls up to her driveway -  _Be cool, Kavinsky._ So he decides to pop out of his window to ask if they're ready. Her sister (whose name he does not know, he realises), looks quite enthused about her travel arrangements this morning and he takes that as a sign of good things to come. He wants to chalk it up to her being excited that Lara Jean's boyfriend is taking them to school but it's more likely she's just relieved that Lara Jean isn't driving.

 

They all get into the car and if he notices that he's a bit more pumped than he typically would be, he lets it slide. Her sister is holding something that he has never seen before and, since Lara Jean hasn't introduced them, he figures he could get away with asking "Hey, little LJ, what is that?" He doesn't think it would be a big deal - most girls that age are either too shy or too enamoured by him to do anything but respond directly.

 

The sass Katherine gives him is delightfully refreshing and he lets Lara Jean know as much when he comments on it. He doesn't want Lara Jean to be concerned that he's offended (because he isn't; quite the contrary, really); he wants her to be able to relax and enjoy being around him.

 

When Katherine asks how he knows Lara Jean, it dawns on him that she has not told her sister (and likely anyone else) about her new relationship. Not exactly prepared to be the one informing her family of their status, he stumbles a bit as he says, for the first time, that he is Lara Jean's boyfriend. Not gonna lie, he kinda likes how that sounds.

 

Lara Jean almost spits out the yakult in response to his statement, while Katherine's face is painted with shock so he decides to defuse any potential situation by asking for some yoghurt. He is pleasantly surprised when the drink hits his tongue and the first thing that enters his mind is that already, his life has improved on account of being closer to her.

 

Deciding that it's probably a way to get into Katherine's good graces (with a side effect of him having access to yummy treats), he uses his charm to make her his daily yakult dealer. He softens when he hears how hopeful she is that he will be driving them tomorrow and is relieved when his efforts are rewarded - he's officially her friend and can call her Kitty, nice! As he leans over to Lara Jean for a conspiratorial celebration, that yummy scent of her shampoo envelopes him. He subtly fills his lungs with it then settles back in to his seat, ready to start the school day with her. _Progress, indeed_.

 

~~~~~

 

Their public debut as a couple goes much better than Peter anticipated. He supposes the school wouldn't have been particularly surprised - after all, almost everyone knows about their kiss on the track. And they would have seen them arriving together in the mornings. Greg has also thrown some looks his way but has never quite summoned the courage to broach the subject. 

 

After Kitty leaves them that morning, they reach out to entwine their hands on their walk into the school building. It's something they both feel comfortable doing and is sufficient enough to stave off any suspicion. He relishes the feel of her small hand in his; like he has been entrusted with something precious. His thumb absent-mindedly strokes her hand and as he sees another couple giving each other a quick peck, he suddenly has an idea. He tilts his head down to look at Lara Jean and, as soon as she feels his gaze on her, she raises her face to meet his eyes.

 

Those are eyes he could get lost in, he thinks. She once waxed poetic about his own eyes but, give him some time and Peter could probably write a sonnet about the beautiful depth of hers; how dark and mesmerising he finds them; how they hold mysteries that he wants to solve. 

 

She's staring questioningly at him now so he gives a little cough, re-routing his thoughts, and makes his suggestion. "Hey, do you wanna try the couples' thing today?"

 

Her entire face scrunches up in confusion and _why_ , _oh why_ isn't he allowed to kiss her? That, right there, is a face that deserves a kiss. He would have dropped a nice little smooch on her nose just then. Or at least an Eskimo kiss. He has to scoff at himself and his insane need to be cute with his fake girlfriend. 

 

Seeing that she doesn't understand what he's saying, he explains, "You know, the back pocket thing you talked about?"

 

He follows the thought process playing out on her face: her surprise at his suggestion; her appreciation that he remembers it and finally, her eagerness to do it. This may not be real, but at least he's helping her live out some sort of fantasy from her favourite movie. 

 

She's wearing a jacket that hits her waist, so her jeans pockets are exposed. His hand easily slips into her right back pocket and he checks with her to ensure that she's really okay with it before they continue walking. Her nod and gentle smile are enough for him.

 

After a few steps with his hand in its new position, he gets why it's a couples' thing. It's really intimate, in a way that he had never thought about. He is feeling the curves of Lara Jean's body move against him and it's taunting him, because he is unable to do anything other than live through it all. He thinks it's even worse than kissing, actually, because with kissing, only their mouths have to be connected but with this, he is  _all_  up on her. In what universe exactly is this any more innocent than kissing? It's _so_ much worse, since he is effectively a whisper away from caressing her body - no, nope, it's her butt - he's almost caressing her butt and okay  _Whoa,_ his body seriously needs to calm the hell down. 

 

The fact that he's so close to her leads him to feeling more confident. There's a bit of a swagger in his step as they stroll into the cafeteria and, knowing that she would be a tad nervous, he reassures her, "We got this, Covey." He is on such a high from being with her so openly that he decides to playfully spin her around to get them to stop. She chuckles and smiles at him, clearly enjoying his antics (so is he, Lara Jean, so is he) and she almost falls into him. He catches her, hands cradling her hips and he recognises this as the perfect opportunity to start fulfilling one of his promises.

 

His hand reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the note he wrote for her. He can't look at her when he gives it to her, because he wrote her an actual note, not a made-up, silly thing  _(Mornings are way more fun since I started driving you and Kitty to school)_  and now he feels a bit vulnerable about it. He lets his eyes scan the room instead and, aware that they're the centre of attention, he compliments her, "Good job," on having survived the cafeteria vultures.

 

She seems a bit unsettled and all he wants to do is appease her, so he tucks her hair behind her ear and and reminds her that he will see her soon. His hand lingers as he moves away from her (clearly, his body does not want to leave the comfort of hers) and as he makes his way over to his friends to deal with the inevitable interrogation, he looks back at her retreating form, a proud smile etched on his features.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one. I threw in the first scene because I wanted to explore Peter's family dynamics a bit and this seemed like a good place for it.
> 
> Also increased the number of chapters because one of the later ones ran away from me :).


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Covey house/Party at Greg's house 
> 
> or
> 
> Peter likes Lara Jean's hair down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all so much for your continued support on this story. I absolutely love knowing what you think and cherish the time you take to share that with me.
> 
> Though these have all been fun for me, this was another particularly fun chapter to write.

Peter arrives at Lara Jean's house, in the _groove_ and all psyched up to take her to Greg's party. It will be great: he'll get to hang out with her, she'll spend time with his friends and they'll both have some fun.

 

He is most certainly not expecting her to open the door coated in flour. Um, _what_ is happening here? Somewhat disconcerted by the fact that she hasn't started getting ready and amused by the sight before him, he makes some flippant remark about her being the Pillsbury Dough boy - which he instantly regrets. It clearly embarrasses her and since he didn't intend to make her uncomfortable, he tries to make amends by offering what he thinks is a helpful suggestion. ( _Always wanting to solve her problems, Kavinsky)._

 

He follows her as she retreats to the kitchen, appreciating this peek into her home life. If there were no party to go to, he thinks he probably would have enjoyed staying in and helping her bake cupcakes (he knows he would have been a nuisance and would have stolen batter all the time). He doesn't really care _how_ they spend their time together, just as long as they spend time together. He really enjoys being around her. 

 

His good mood is interrupted and he is shocked - nay, _appalled_ \- when his discovers that she has not read his note and has no idea why he's at her house. It's not so much about the party as it is about her not reading what he writes for her. This is an off day, right? Or does she generally not read them?  Does she not like them? Should he be writing differently? He has never had cause to wonder before; his notes are usually messages that do not require any response. They're just meant to brighten her day, make her smile. He hopes the only reason she ignored today's note is because she was preoccupied with the bake sale.

 

To be honest, he is not surprised when she attempts to dodge the party, which is why he has come prepared with counter arguments. Sure, he comes across as petty when he lists Gen as his first reason but he's pretty annoyed with her at the moment - ever since she realised that he and Lara Jean are serious, she has been non-stop blowing up his phone, trying to be all seductive and leading him on. Yes, yes, that was the plan - to maybe rub her face in it and make her jealous enough to want him back but it doesn't hold the same appeal anymore.

 

When he and Lara Jean entered that silly contract, he had no idea how useful it would prove to be and he saves that point for last - the point she cannot refute: she is contractually obligated. She still tries, though, and as he's in the midst of holding her to her word, her father appears, all sincere geniality. When Peter sees how happy Dr. Covey is to see him (the man's exuberance makes him a bit sheepish), he casts a triumphant smirk Lara Jean's way. At least her family openly likes him, he thinks, even if she seems unwilling to do the same. He decides that he's going to use that to his advantage and get Dr. Covey on his side. 

 

Dr. Covey lets him know he can call him Dan and yeah, no way  _that's_ happening - Peter's mother raised him with very specific ideas of respect, thank you - although he appreciates the sentiment. He explains the situation to Dr. Covey, throwing in the farcical lines that the parents will be home (everyone knows they won't be) and he'll have her home early (early for him, yeah, but maybe not for her). He is pretty sure they all know it's BS but Dr. Covey does his work for him, eventually getting Lara Jean to commit to going with him, in spite of her repeated attempts to bail (is she really serious right now?). 

 

When Dr. Covey lays down his own rules, Peter promptly agrees. The drinking he will leave up to Lara Jean but no drugs and no hands are foregone conclusions (though he wishes the latter were not).

 

~~~~~

 

Throughout the entire drive to the party, Lara Jean keeps trying to negotiate her way out of going. Never has he ever been so grateful to have the contract with her signature on it. Every time she raises another objection, he just reminds her, "It's in the contract." If he thought for a moment that there were some serious, underlying issue with her attending the party, he would not insist on it but from her father's enthusiasm and, also knowing that she isn't a social butterfly, he thinks she's simply nervous about the situation. His intention is to stay with her all night, to assuage whatever anxieties she might have and really and truly, he just wants her to have fun (with him). 

 

Once they enter Greg's new house (and hoo, boy! What a house this is!), Lara Jean stops. Peter bounces impatiently while she prepares herself for going into the fray but as soon as he sees her re-doing her ponytail, he steps in to put a halt to that madness.Nuh uh, nope, not on his watch. This is a party and Covey is going to have fun, _damn it,_ even if it kills him (and it just might. God, if she questions him one more time...!). He gently removes the scrunchie from her hair (he loves being this close to her; she's even allowing it and being playful) and he is so captivated, he ends up flirting with her when he takes hold of the accessory.

 

"I am keeping it," he insists, admitting, "I like your hair down." He does, how could he not - it's so long and gorgeous and smells amazing (he finally figured  it out - it's coconut - she uses coconut shampoo). While he adores how cute she is with her ponytail swishing about, he is definitely partial to when it's down, framing her face and making her look like the most exquisite thing he has ever seen.

 

As if to justify his preference, he declares, "You look pretty."

 

She scoffs at that and it troubles him that she does not believe him. His voice is soft and low when he decides, "I'll prove it to you." 

 

He snaps her photo and feels a rush of tenderness when her hands come up to bashfully cover her face. He looks at his phone, smiling at how perfect the picture is and even Lara Jean can't disagree with his earnest admiration. He quickly makes the photo the background of his phone, knowing that he's going to smile every time he looks at it, before turning his attention back to ensuring that her hair remains loose, as he'd like. He has to laugh at the reality of him trying get Lara Jean to literally let her hair down. She lets him have her scrunchie but admonishes him not to lose it. No problem, whatever it takes, he thinks, as he snaps it on to his wrist, emphatically showing her that she won't be getting it back tonight. 

 

Since he's changed the background of his phone, he wants to do the same with hers (you know, to keep the charade going) so he asks for her phone. Yet again she challenges him (this girl!) which proves to be one time too many - he finally breaks.

 

"Would you just trust me?" he pleads. She relents, probably realising that she's given him nothing but opposition and he decides to match her awkwardly cute picture with one of his own. He tells himself that it's to keep up appearances but he really likes the idea of anyone (everyone) believing that she's so smitten with him, she wants to see him every time she uses her phone.

 

He is delighted when she asks what his background is and he proudly shows her the photo he just took. She smiles and he offers his hand to her, entreating, "Leggo," in the hopes that his silliness will put her at ease. 

 

She slips her hand in his as they head towards the action. 

 

Peter has stopped marveling at how easily they fit together, at how natural it feels to be making his way through a crowd while holding her hand. He deposits her with Greg and goes off to grab some drinks - she agreed to come here tonight (yes, yes, it's in the contract...) so the least he can do is take care of her.

 

When he gets back to her, Gen is walking away and he stares after her a little anxiously, partly out of habit and partly because he expects that she's been giving Lara Jean hell. That goes away though, because his lovely (fake) girlfriend has mistaken kombucha for beer and he has to ensure that she's drinking the right beverage (really, ensure  _he's_ drinking the right beverage, since he's driving her later).

 

He wants a memento of their first (but hopefully not only) party together so he requests a selfie with her. He is unapologetically ecstatic when she leans in to kiss his cheek, reveling in the fact that she initiates unnecessary physical contact. Her lips on his cheek are delightful and he laughs in contentment. He knows that she thinks it's all part of the show they're putting on but it isn't for him. He takes another selfie for the road (look at them and their cute in-sync selves!) and thinks she just might be starting to enjoy herself a bit. 

 

Later on, when Gen corners him in the bathroom, he is simultaneously smug and frustrated. She does her usual Gen routine on him and while he remembers a time when he liked her (a time when he thought he loved her), he finds that he has already moved on. It's why he isn't as bitter with her as he thought he would be and although he tries twice to get Lara Jean's favourite scrunchie back when she takes it, he just cannot be bothered to do this dance with Gen. Let her feel like she's won  _some_ thing, he thinks, because she's lost him forever.

 

That encounter taints his mood enough that he's looking to escape to somewhere quiet where it can be just him and Lara Jean and he can bask in her presence. He finds her talking to Lucas James, looking the happiest he's seen her all night, which bothers him. Lucas is another recipient of her letters and while she candidly told Peter she didn't want to date him, she never admitted that she didn't still like Lucas, even if he is gay. 

 

He tries to shake that off, though, because she readily agrees to leave with him. He holds her jacket while she slips it on and then assists in tugging her hair over her collar so that it cascades down her back. That one, quick interaction with her is enough to calm his troubled mind and as she tucks her hand in his, Peter's world is a bit brighter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diner (part 2)
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter is shocked into realisation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for staying with me on this!
> 
> This is one of my favourite scenes to watch (although, to be fair, I enjoy ALL the Covinsky scenes).
> 
> Yes, the chapter count increased again because yet another one ran away from me. At this point, don't be surprised if it goes up again because I wouldn't be - I seem to have lost all control here. :)
> 
> Hope you like this one!

There's a current thrumming in Peter's body and it emanates from Lara Jean. He has always written off such things -  _magnetic pulls, electric touches -_ as belonging to the realm of romance novels and rom-coms. Not real. Fantasy. Now, with Lara Jean, he's apparently living it.

 

They're sitting next to each other in the diner, leisurely chatting while they eat. Their knees are touching under the table and Peter is a little smug about the fact that she opted to sit next to him, rather than across from him. She wants to be close, too. 

 

He was snickering not a moment ago, because she told him what Greg's girlfriend had asked her at the party and her absolute lack of comprehension was so utterly Lara Jean. That's what leads to him broaching the topic of Gen, which he wants to do; he wants Lara Jean to know how awesome he thinks she is, how brave he thinks she is. When she admits to being terrified, he accepts that, but it's how she doesn't let that fear overcome her. From their interactions, no one would ever think that Gen intimidates Lara Jean. For all her guilelessness in certain areas, his (fake) girlfriend is such a badass.

 

She blushes slightly when he mentions her boots (it's refreshing to know that his charm works on her, even if all he's doing is being honest) and it is that which encourages him to confess his true opinion on the matter. When he tells her he thinks her boots are hot, her blush deepens. Well, with that kind of encouragement, he just has to continue, doesn't he? So he does, letting her know how impressed he is with her style in general. The comparison to Gen is deliberate - he wants Lara Jean to know he thinks she is superior in every way. 

 

When she stands, getting ready to leave, he panics a bit because he's not quite ready to let her go. He tries his best to extend their time together and winds up talking about Gen again (God,  _why?)._ The line of conversation intrigues him, though, because is that... is that jealousy he's picking up on? She seems annoyed (disappointed?) that he still talks to his ex-girlfriend occasionally (which, okay, he does. It started out of some morbid desire to hear that her life was not as good without him in it but now, he just answers her calls so she'll stop the incessant texting). 

 

Lara Jean's facial expressions are too precious for him to let pass without teasing her. When he comments on how she's never had a boyfriend, it's really out of curiosity and a smidgen of disbelief. The only sensible reason is that she doesn't _want_ to be in a relationship. 

 

He has to outright deny her assertion that he's obsessed with Gen (he thinks he might have a new obsession and she's standing right before him) and when she dares him to not call Gen tonight, he thinks,  _Easy, done, didn't really want to, to be honest._

 

They're flirting now and he loves when this side of her comes out but he cannot ignore the opportunity that presents itself; he wants to hear from her why she has never been in a relationship. He frames it in such a way that she knows it genuinely confounds him (because it does). He dismisses her assessment that no one has ever liked her that way ( _Whatever,_ _Covey_ ) but rather than count himself as someone who was (is) definitely interested, he calls out her earlier rejection of Carlos Myers. And yes, perhaps he has sub-consciously been keeping tabs on her (his astute memory surprises even him. When you couple that with the boots, then he really needs to stop being so obvious). She tries to evade the topic but he becomes tenacious; this information is critically important to him. This is something he needs to know. He tries not to linger on why (he knows it's because he needs to understand how much of a chance he has; really,  _if_ he even has a chance with her). 

 

It's not just that, though. He wants her to be able to talk to him; he wants to be a person she can confide in - tell him things she won't tell anyone else. He thinks they've been getting along really well and, the more time they spend together, the more comfortable they have been getting with each other. He is being as open with her as he can be and he yearns for her to do the same.

 

"Come on, Covey," he entreats her, "Talk to me. I mean, what happened to no secrets? Fight Club, remember?" He makes a mental note that they still have to watch that movie but she starts talking and he is all rapt attention. She is opening up to him and he is not going to miss out on it. He doesn't understand how a bright, optimistic individual like Lara Jean, who admittedly loves the idea of romance and love, could have such a fatalistic outlook on personally experiencing it. His heart aches when she confesses she's scared of losing people and being hurt. He sees that it pains her and he gets it, he really does. He has been there - he still is there - when it comes to his dad. It's interesting, though, their different reactions to loss: hers is to lock herself off from love and his is to seek love out. 

 

In an attempt to show her that he understands, that he's lived what frightens her, he starts talking about his father leaving. There is no judgement from her, only warmth and empathy and it spills out of him until she tells him that she's sorry. He appreciates that, he really does, but he is weary of people telling him they're sorry. They're not the ones who should be apologising. He feels himself getting dangerously emotional about it, so he pulls back, trying to brush it off. She doesn't let him; at the same time she doesn't push it and this is what he cherishes about her.

 

It hits Peter that all this soul-baring is so effortless between them, as if it's what they should have always been doing and he feels the need to point that out to her; to underscore that he's there for her and she does not need to worry about sharing anything with him. Sure, his delivery is arrogant but it's not his fault she makes him feel special, talking about being afraid of relationships yet falling so freely into one with him. 

 

Lara Jean says there's no reason to be scared of being with him and well, doesn't that just inflate his ego. He loves the way this conversation is going, thinking it's heading in the direction he wants, so when he leans in (blatantly flirting with her), asking, "Why's that?", he's hoping she gives him the answer he's looking for.  _Tell me you still like me, Covey. Tell me you trust me._

 

What she does is douse him with ice water. 

 

"Because we're just pretending," she responds, casually, as if it's obvious. Suddenly all the warmth flowing through him disappears.

 

It feels like she just stomped on his heart and he has to get out of there because, yeah, her honesty hurts more than he could have predicted. See, being with Lara Jean is so easy that far too often (read: all the time), he forgets that this thing between them is supposed to be fake. How can it be, when  _they_ are not fake? She says that they're just pretending but, are they really? He's pretty sure that they're not pretending when they're laughing with each other on the drive to school; when they're chatting while having lunch together; whenever his hand makes its way to her back pocket and she snuggles up next to him. He certainly isn't pretending when he writes the notes to her and they damned well weren't pretending just now when they were confiding in each other.

 

He makes a hasty retreat because it doesn't just sting, it downright burns. He can't hide his feelings right now, he can't put on the act that she is seemingly so good at and so, he thanks her for coming with him to the party (because apparently it was an imposition, she was just  _pretending_ to like spending time with him) and leaves the diner, crestfallen. So much for taking her home and bidding her good night. So much for so many things, he guesses.

 

 ~~~~~

 

As soon as he gets home, he goes straight to his room and plops down on his bed. His phone is still buzzing in his pocket so he removes it and dismisses all the messages from Gen. In doing that, he sees Lara Jean as his background and smiles despite himself as he stares at her picture, trying to get a grip.

 

He decides to go through his gallery and winds up on the selfie they took, the one where she's kissing him on his cheek.  _Pretending,_ he reminds himself.  _Right._

 

He rolls over and stares at the ceiling. He's sulking, he knows he is and he really needs to figure out why. Okay, he doesn't actually need to figure it out - he knows why - he just needs to accept it now.

 

When this all began, he knew he liked Lara Jean but it wasn't in any serious, meaningful way at the time. He just liked her. Now that he knows her better - knows her likes and dislikes, knows the way her brain works, knows her deepest fears (knows how she fits against him, knows how he can make her blush with a simple compliment, knows what she looks like with flour in her hair...) - he has to acknowledge that he  _really_ likes her. His reaction tonight in the diner makes it quite clear to him that his feelings have deepened and this is a whole different ball game now. 

 

It's not like he can do anything about it because she supposedly is not interested.  _But,_ Peter's brain supplies.  _But._

 

He starts re-evaluating all of their interactions: how relaxed she is around him, how much she trusts him, how she isn't shy about physical proximity within the parameters of their agreement, how she's been letting him in to more and more of her life, how she seeks him out and he concludes that it's not wishful thinking on his part to believe that Lara Jean could feel the same way. She might be in denial about it but he'll let the truth of their behaviour around each other speak for itself.

 

He won't say anything, he decides. This has all been playing out naturally and if it's meant to be, then it will. (The only reason he's this laid-back about it is because he is pretty convinced the only outcome is the one he wants).

 

Feeling a bit more upbeat, he posts the selfie (that, yes, he's still looking at) to Instagram, tagging Lara Jean and referring to her as BAE. She responds almost immediately to his post, teasing him. He's relieved that he didn't alienate her with his abrupt departure earlier and he wonders what she really thinks of him at the moment. 

 

Deciding to just be himself, because he realises he stopped faking anything around her a while ago, he sends back a kissy face and is able to fall asleep with a smile on his face and maybe even some hope in his heart.

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cafeteria/Movie night/Dinner at Peter's home
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter falls. Hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. The scene that pushed me to actually write this and put it out here (well, really Noah Centineo's opinion on this scene, but it just lined up really nicely with my own thoughts on it).
> 
> I pray that I've done it justice.

As the weeks go by, Peter's just cruising along. He is no longer pretending for anyone, not even for Lara Jean. Everything he writes in the notes? Real (although it always was). Whenever he talks about how incredible she is? Real (seriously, the girl is  _ah-_ _mazing_ ). Anytime they get to cuddle? Real. He legit likes snuggling with her. She might think that his behaviour is all part of the act but it's not. This is just...how they are. And he loves it.

 

If anyone is kidding themselves, it's Lara Jean, operating under the illusion that this is all still fake. It's not for Peter; hasn't been for a long time. 

 

During lunch one day in the cafeteria, she sits next to him, her hand on his knee, mimicking where his hand rests on her knee. They tend to do that a lot and he's pretty sure it's unconscious on both their parts - he didn't even notice it until Greg pointed it out to him ("Damn, Kavinsky, you two are the real thing. You, like, mirror each other and stuff."). Lara Jean is still a bit awkward around his friends but they love that about her; they love her, quite frankly, possibly more than they might like him. As she has become more integrated in his social circle, she has been spending less time with her own. Chris will always be a constant but Lara Jean doesn't hang around Sanderson that much anymore (well, an ill-timed love letter would do that, wouldn't it?). Still, he notices the guy's expression whenever he comes across Peter and Lara Jean together (disapproval and either regret or... longing?). Lara Jean usually smiles his way, maintaining appearances but sometimes he catches a glimpse of remorse on her features.

 

He sees Josh occasionally when he's picking up Lara Jean, or when he goes over to her house and something in him wants to ensure Josh sees him. It's not that he's staking his claim, exactly, it's just...it's always in the back of his mind that she had feelings for Sanderson. But, with everyday that passes, he is more and more convinced that she has feelings for him, too, so he tries not to fixate on Josh. At this point, really, he's just waiting on her to realise what he already has (that he likes her, that she likes him, that they're good together), because how can she not, right? 

 

They're finally watching the Candles movie tonight with Kitty (apparently this movie is a Covey girl favourite and simply must not be missed). He is slouched down on their couch, pillows surrounding him for comfort and it's in these moments that he is certain, without a doubt, that Lara Jean must like him but is just not aware of it yet (or is  _completely_ aware of it but is living in denial).

 

She is halfway lying on the couch next to Peter, with her head barely inches away. Her entire body, actually, isn't far from him; if he wants, he can very easily reach out and hold her hand. There is no real need for her to be this close to him (he doesn't think Kitty would care either way) so it has to be because she  _wants_ to be near to him. It's nice to know that she craves physical proximity as much as he does - it's why they're on the couch with their heads practically touching, right? Because, if they wanted to kiss, it wouldn't be difficult to just turn... (god _damn_ this no kissing rule.  _Seriously_ ).

 

He is trying very hard to understand why she is so enamoured with this film. While he understands the appeal of some of it, there is just so much he doesn't get. Like this Long Dong Duck character - isn't it a racist depiction? He verbalises this thought, which she quickly vindicates, confusing him even more. Lara Jean doesn't seem to be the type of person who would accept racist stereotypes so he asks, "Then why do you like this movie so much?"

 

Kitty's response is to swoon over Jake Ryan and yeah, no, he can't let this slide; Peter just  _has_ to say it: "I am way better looking than that guy." Sure, you could chalk it up to typical teenage grandstanding but see (even though he really does think he's better looking), what he is really doing is reminding Lara Jean that she thinks he is beautiful; he wants her to think that he's definitely more attractive than her favourite romantic hero; that he is overall better than her dream guy.

 

He can't very well let Kitty get away with wounding his pride and insulting his looks, he just can't (hey, he has a reputation to maintain), so he instigates a pillow fight (making sure he moves the popcorn out of the way, so there's less mess to clean up later). Eventually, they rope Lara Jean into it and, after a playful session, full of giggles, squeals and him pulling Lara Jean down against him on to the couch, they all collapse on to the cushions, breathless and happy.

 

Later, after Kitty has gone to bed, they put on Fight Club, for their planned double feature. Lara Jean is pretty enthralled by the story and her interest thrills him. He appreciates that she's not just watching it to fulfill a contractual obligation but that she seems to genuinely care about what he likes so much. She slides down next to him on the couch and he aches to put his arm around her and haul her against him for snuggling, but he can't, because, you know - rules. 

 

When she walks him to the door, she thanks him for introducing her to the film. He responds in kind about Sixteen Candles (he knows the name now), staring at the way the night bathes her in moonlight, making her seem like some sort of ethereal angel. She lets him hug her and as his arms encircle her tiny frame, it is all he can do to stop himself from dropping a kiss on top of her head as he bids her goodnight. He inhales the scent of her shampoo; the fragrance that has probably become his favourite in the entire world. 

 

 ~~~~~

 

Peter is ridiculously nervous. He is currently in his car, outside the Covey home, waiting for Lara Jean. They're going to have dinner with his family tonight.

 

When his mom suggested it, he hadn't even considered putting up a fight; he wants Lara Jean to spend time with his family; he wants them to get to know her (and like her, as he does); he wants her to be more a part of his life.

 

He wants them to be real, official, true. 

 

When she comes to his car, his smile is appreciative - she looks lovely and sophisticated, while he looks well, like exactly what he is: a lacrosse player that rushed home from practice to shower and meet his girlfriend.

 

"Hi!" she greets him cheerily, settling into the seat and strapping on her seatbelt.

 

"Hey," he responds casually. What he wants to say is,  _You're stunning._

 

She is, all casual elegance, with her hair cascading down her back. He doesn't think he's imagining that she's been wearing her hair down way more now ever since he told her he likes it that way. He doesn't mean to change her (he really does like her style) but it's telling that she does that for him. He likes it. 

 

It's not like he hasn't done the same, though. While Gen always insisted he dress up, wearing shirts for even the most casual occasion (like school...seriously, he's a teen;  he has a lifetime ahead of him to wear shirts on the daily, he doesn't need to be doing it now), Lara Jean just lets him be. So while he's reverted to wearing tee-shirts more often than not, it might just be because once, he was standing directly in front of her while they were talking and he heard her muttering about stupid boys and stupid tee-shirts making their stupid broad shoulders unfairly distracting. 

 

When they arrive at his home, his mom is setting dinner on the table, so he and Lara Jean pitch in (despite repeated protests from his mom that Lara Jean should just relax, she's a guest; and repeated assurances from Lara Jean that she doesn't mind, she does it all the time). Peter quite enjoys having her help him - it makes it feel like his home is hers, too.

 

They've just settled down and started dinner when his mom tells Lara Jean how happy she is to finally meet her.

 

 _Yaaaas, Mom!_ Peter knows he's not supposed to celebrate his mother outing him like this; the cool thing is to be embarrassed. But does he care? Nope. Let Lara Jean know he raves about her to his family. She deserves to know how wonderful she is. He didn't know his mother could be the perfect wingman - er, wing woman - but it turns out that she is. 

Until she isn't, when she asks Lara Jean how her mother feels about having girls.

 

_Noooo, Mom. I thought we went over this?_

 

He cringes, wishing he could take the question back because he knows how sensitive of a topic her mother is. Not wanting her to feel like his family doesn't know (or care) about her, he reminds his mom that he told her Lara Jean's mom passed away.

 

He sees his mother's regret and embarrassment, and he's trying to figure out how to keep the situation from becoming a  _thing_ when Lara Jean jumps in and saves them all. The gratitude he feels is displayed on his mother's face and if it seems as if he's looking at Lara Jean like she's the most magnificent creature in the world, it's because he is.

 

He smirks when she says Kitty's a heathen ( _Yeah, she is!_ That's why she's his girl) but under the table, he gently nudges Lara Jean's foot with his, smiling his thanks. When she returns it, she lets him know it's not a problem. With his eyes riveted to her, he misses the look his mother and Owen share - one that slightly makes fun of him but contains an undercurrent of genuine thankfulness, that Peter is so undoubtedly happy. 

 

When Lara Jean offers to help him put away the dishes, he sees his mother's smile but doesn't comment on it, letting her guide Owen away for some activity or other. As he's filling the dishwasher, Lara Jean comments on Owen being shy. He has definitely noticed it but has never overtly tried to do anything about it, because he knows his dad leaving had something to do with it. He figures that's either just the type of person Owen is now or he will grow out of it. Lara Jean does not necessarily think so, for she suggests Kitty as a way to open him up. 

 

He feels his heart expand at her suggestion - that she cares about his family; that she wants to help; that she's comfortable helping. _H_ _ow_ did he get so lucky with her, again? He doesn't know how or why the letter came his way but he's grateful because it brought them together. And, it feels like they're _actually_ together? When it's just the two of them, he knows they're totally and completely themselves and he finds himself wondering that if this how she treats her (supposedly) fake boyfriend? Then he can't even imagine how spectacular it would be to be her real boyfriend.

 

He contemplates the idea about Kitty and Owen and when Lara Jean adds that they could be good friends, he chuckles and agrees, speculating that the younger siblings could follow in the footsteps of the elder ones and be friends (but, you know, preferably without all the fake dating). 

 

It has been worrying him all night that she was not totally cool with his mom's faux pas so, as she walks in front of him to put a mug away, he makes sure to formally apologise. He doesn't want to cause her pain; he doesn't want her to think that he wouldn't have mentioned something this important to his family. She again surprises him with her easy deflection of it and he thinks she has a point about wanting to be able to talk about her mom without all the associated pain. He's happy to be that outlet for her. The truth is, sometimes he feels the same way about his dad. For all the hurt his dad caused, there was still a childhood of good times. It's just that everything's all mixed up now. 

 

She pulls herself up on to the counter and he barely has time to register (and appreciate) how physically close this makes them now when she gently asks, "Is it weird not having your dad around?"

 

Is she a mind reader now? How did she know that's where his thoughts went?  _How?!?_ How does she just...get him? 

 

He takes a breath before responding to her question. If there's anyone he knows that will understand this, it's her, so he wants to properly articulate his feelings on the matter. He glances at her when he starts answering but he can't quite look at her when he keeps talking - it's still hard to talk about and always leaves him feeling vulnerable. He doesn't hold back, though, because he doesn't feel the need to do that with her. He feels safe with her, like he has nothing to fear or worry about, with her on his side. He's not accustomed to being this candid with anyone, like, at all, so habit kicks in and, just like in the diner, he ends by trying to insinuate that it's not that hurtful. She calls him out on it, though and it never fails to astound him how much Lara Jean  _sees_ him and just...understands. Whenever she does something like this, something like earlier with his mom, something so very  _Lara Jean,_ he swears he feels his heart bursting because he's halfway in love with her.

 

"You don't mean that," she softly challenges when he says he's glad his dad's gone. She's right; he doesn't mean it. Sometimes, he really wants to mean it, but he doesn't.

 

He decides to ask if she misses her mom - he knows their situations aren't the same but at times, he misses his father so much and he's still alive; he can't imagine how he would feel if he were no longer with them. So he asks what it's like for her; he wants to know how she can be so strong. She slips easily into talking about it and he sees the emotions she's sharing with him. His eyes remain locked on her face, tracing all her features as she speaks, absorbing everything she's giving him.

 

"I've never told anyone that before," she confesses and he is elated - this is precisely what he wants to be for her: the one person she can go to; the one person she can tell everything;  _her_ person. He understands, and tells her so. When he confesses that he doesn't really hate his dad, she already knows and he welcomes how she makes him face his feelings; how she doesn't let him hide. He also appreciates that she can laugh about these things with him.

 

They're both so young, yet they've suffered so much and he is glad that they have each other now and can go through all of this together. She says as much, and he categorically agrees, rapidly nodding his response. He doesn't know why but he isn't prepared when she compliments him with, "You're a good listener."

 

_Oh yeah? Is that so, Covey?_

 

He's preening, he knows he is because praise from her means the world to him. "Yeah? Why, thank you," he responds and he means it.

 

He means it even more when he tells her, "You are, too," voice softening with sincerity and gratitude. He really cherishes her openness with him - he's never had someone that he could talk to like this; someone he could trust this way; someone he _wants_ to talk to about all of this; someone who understands without him needing to say anything. She seems to know him so well, he thinks she's perfect for him, like in a permanent kind of way. 

 

"Thanks," she replies, a bit sheepish.

 

"You're welcome," he almost whispers because it's not some platitude he's offering. She really is welcome to all of his compliments, all of the time because she deserves them and he will freely give them to her. 

 

He's staring at her face (so temptingly close to his) and every fibre of his being is screaming for him to reach out and just kiss her already; show her what she means to him. He has to keep reigning himself in because his body automatically leans in to hers (that's where it's supposed to be, damn it, right next to her) and what he realises in this moment, here in his kitchen, with Lara Jean perched on his countertop, is that he is way past the point of being halfway in love with her; this girl right here is _the_   _ ****_ ****girlfor him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bleachers/School hallway
> 
> or
> 
> Peter will not let them break up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be a broken machine at this point but thank you all for continuing with me and for letting me know how you feel about this fic. It means the world. 
> 
> Right, so, these scenes. Here we go!

The notes Peter writes to Lara Jean have always been important to him, in the sense that he likes doing it and it's a way for him to communicate things he wouldn't necessarily tell her in person. Since he discovered how he feels about her, however, they become even more meaningful. Now, he is writing to the object of his affection  _(Take_ that,  _Jake Ryan!)_  and well, he effectively feels like he needs to step it up.

 

This is why he is sitting on the bleachers by himself when Gen corners him. He sees no reason to be discourteous to her when she asks to sit with him (he has feelings for someone else, she has moved on, so why be mean?), even though he would much rather sit and write to Lara Jean. 

 

Gen doesn't beat around the bush and launches into whining about how he no longer has time for her, spending all his time with Lara Jean instead. 

 

_Uh, yeah, that's what happens when you have a girlfriend..._

 

He doesn't exactly know what Gen expects from him but as he thinks about it, he supposes it's his own fault - even after he and Lara Jean were official, he did still talk to Gen, so he sees how this would be off-putting for her. Not liking the idea of using Lara Jean as his excuse for being unavailable to Gen (she isn't; he made the decision to detach himself from his previous relationship), he instead tries to understand what Gen wants from him. She expects him to wait? Yeahhhh, no. He would have done that in the past  _(has_ done that in the past) but he figures he deserves more than that. And that's not even touching the reality that he just does not want to be with her anymore.

 

She continues to complain about her new boyfriend and he does actually pity her a bit, because well, he has found someone fabulous and unfortunately for Gen, she has not. When she talks about the guy not being as good of a listener as Peter is, Lara Jean's face flashes before him. He briefly remembers that moment in his kitchen and notes how differently he reacts when Gen says it ( _Meh)_ and when Lara Jean compliments him (he is _fully_ aware that he blushed).

 

There is some self-deprecation happening when he assesses, "Because he's not at your beck and call like I am." He realises that he meant to say, "Like I  _was,"_ but the time for that has passed so he won't bother correcting it. To be honest, it's getting tiresome that Gen keeps trying to drag him back into her life, which leads to him insisting that she can't keep doing that to him, especially when they have other people in their lives. It's not fair to him; it's not fair to her, either. It's not like he bears Gen any ill will (okay, maybe a little) but all this holding on she's doing isn't healthy (hm, well now he sounds like someone he knows). For both their sakes, he wants her to be able to move on and he gets how hard it is - before this, they had been each other's constant and it's tough to let that go. 

 

When she asks about Lara Jean coming on the ski trip, he thinks, _Well, yeah, why wouldn't she?_ He is really looking forward to it. Lara Jean doesn't ski so he's imagining days spent teaching her how and tumbling down hills together, followed by evenings curled up near the fireplace with hot chocolate, Lara Jean ensconced firmly in his embrace. He pictures them alone, talking like they do when it's just them or with their friends, laughing and having fun; he does not care either way, as long as she's with him. He thinks now he might need to have her there to sustain him if Gen is going to try anything. 

 

He manages to escape Gen without doing further damage to either one of them but the encounter again leaves him rattled, causing him to go in search of the one person who can easily soothe his soul.

 

He finds Lara Jean talking to Sanderson and the sight of them looking all cozy together upsets him further. It's a reminder, you see, that this all stemmed from her not wanting Josh to think she still liked him (i.e: she admitted to liking him; something she hasn't done with Peter. Of course, he hasn't told her that he likes her, either...). It leads to him acting like a bit of a brat (because, really, who cares what people say about her talking to Sanderson? They're neighbours and used to be close. He was her sister's boyfriend, for Christ's sake) and though he's somewhat miffed when she stalks away from him, he can't say he's entirely surprised. 

 

Always Lara Jean, she hits him back about begging to get back with Gen on the bleachers and he immediately becomes defensive. He was absolutely _not_ doing that but how does she even know about that? He feels guilty, although he was doing the very opposite of what she's accusing him of; it's just that it really did feel wrong, to have Gen sort of coming on to him when he feels the way he does about Lara Jean.

 

He shoots back some inane comment about her not posting about him on Instagram, which, okay, it's not absurd to him. The fact that she doesn't include him in snapshots of her life would indicate that he's not important enough to her, that this still isn't real, when he is sure, perfectly sure, that it's real for both of them and has been for a while. 

 

"Look, Peter," she begins, turning to face him. He can tell from her body language that he's not going to like what she is about to say and his body tenses in trepidation. 

 

"I don't think either one of us thought this was gonna go on for so long, okay..."

 

 _Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Covey, no,_ his brain protests.  _Nuh uh, no. Don't do this now. Not now._

 

 "... But Josh and I are cool, Gen is sufficiently jealous..."

 

He knows where this is headed. He knows it's precisely where he does not want it to go. He knows what she is saying is correct but so much has changed that those things are now irrelevant.

 

"... I think we need to call it."

 

Aaaaaaand there it is. He isn't prepared for how much it cuts him. He isn't prepared for actually hearing it from her. He thinks somewhere in the back of his mind he was dreading this instant, because there was always a chance that it would happen but recent events gave him reason to believe that it wouldn't. Sucks to be wrong, quite frankly.

 

And sure, if one is going according to the reasons they started this in the first place, then, yes, their objectives have been met. But who are they kidding? It no longer is about either of those; hasn't been for God knows how long. Things are getting real and Lara Jean is trying to run. Well, no. He will not allow it. Especially not before the ski trip, when he has so many plans for them.

 

His body is buzzing in retaliation, hands shaking in front of him as if to ward off what she is attempting to do. In the moment, he cannot figure out how to convince her to come because she wants to come, because she wants to spend time with him (he's sure she does - she genuinely seems to love spending time with him) so he reverts to the thing that has been both a blessing and a bane throughout this entire thing - the contract. 

 

She again tries to get out of it, arguing that it's only required if they're still together. 

 

 _Um, helloooo..._ "We are still together!" he points out. _Gee, Lara Jean, why do you think that is?_ As she mentioned, they have accomplished what they set out to do and yet still, both of them have happily continued their relationship without any intention of ending it... until now.

 

He's not going down without a fight. If she gets to make him face his emotions, he gets to return the favour. She can't keep running away when it's real life and not fantasy; she'll miss out on all life has to offer that way.

 

So he calls her out (like she does for him all the time, you know - tit for tat). "You're just trying to pull out because you're scared."

 

He keeps his eyes on her face, wanting to see how she reacts to his truth-bomb and yup, her defenses go up immediately. He understands her fear, he knows her reasoning for it but doesn't she think he - no -  _they_  are worth it? Can't she be willing to give him a chance to show her that it doesn't all have to be hurt and agony; that he can (continue to) make her happy?

 

She tries to be obtuse, asking, "What do I have to be scared of?"

 

 _Of me,_ he immediately thinks. 

 

_Of us._

 

_Of what could happen._

 

 _Of what has happened._  

 

His shoulders slump as he fully realises how hard it's going to be to get her to take on her fears but he'll be right there with her, just like she is with him when she's helping him to face his demons. Because isn't that what they do? They push each other to grow?  _Come on, Lara Jean._ He can't very well tell her his thoughts, now can he, so he entreats, "You tell me, Covey."

 

His endearment for her slips out, because he's being real with her and he's left standing there, hoping that she sees what he does and can be brave enough to reach out and grab it. He waits with bated breath for her response, his heart hammering in his chest because this is a turning point, isn't it, and he could lose everything here. He can't let that happen, though; he just needs time - time to disprove what she thinks she heard by the bleachers; time to show her what they could be; time to help her understand that his feelings are real and intransient.

 

She pivots rather quickly, saying she will go if Chris goes and okay, okay, not quite what he was hoping for but relief washes over him. He'll take it - because it means there is still the chance that she will go.

 

Commence  _Operation Beg Chris._

 

It starts when he's at Lara Jean's house that evening - finals are this week and, naturally ( _naturally_ ), he wants to study with his super smart girlfriend (not that being alone with her in her room has anything at all to do with it).

 

Instead of reading the chapter that he ought to be, he's pleading with Chris to go on the ski trip.

 

_Chris: Buzz off, Kavinsky. I don't DO school functions._

_Peter: Come on Chris, please? You never know, you might enjoy it._

_Chris: What do YOU care?_

_Peter: I just want you to live your best life._

_Chris: And that involves the Adler High ski trip?_

_Peter: You've never been. You don't know what you might be missing out on._

_Chris: Whatever, Kavinsky._

 

Lara Jean pops up behind his shoulder, reading the conversation. She's smirking at him when he looks at her. "It's not going to happen, Peter," she tells him.

 

 _That's what you think, Covey._ It _will_ happen. He will make sure of it.

 

Lara Jean pesters him to stop bothering Chris and instead focus on their grades ("What's the point of going on a ski trip when you've just failed Trig?" she asks. "Covey!" he exclaims, "That's _precisely_ when you need to go on a ski trip!"). 

 

Eventually, they do settle down and get to work but their study session runs late. So late, in fact, that Peter finds himself waking up to a delighted giggle. 

 

"Wha...?" he asks groggily, as he struggles to open his eyes. He's so warm and so comfortable in his current position, though, that he doesn't particularly want to move. He shifts a bit, intent on going back to sleep, arm tightening around the warm softness next to him, when he hears the giggle again. It's then that he becomes a little more aware of his surroundings. He wakes up to find himself lying down on the pink and white couch in Lara Jean's room, a pleasant weight on the left side of his body. Is that...? He turns his head and yup, that's definitely coconut shampoo. It turns out Lara Jean is fast asleep on top of him (they fell asleep together - she fell asleep on top of him, they were sleeping _together_ and snuggling) with his arm wrapped securely around her, keeping her in place against him, while hers is sprawled over his chest. She looks so peaceful that he remains still, not wanting to disturb her. But hang on _just_ a second... if she's sleeping, then who exactly laughed?

 

His eyes quickly scan the room and he spots Kitty, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of them, the biggest smirk on her face and a phone in her hand. 

 

He smiles at her and whispers, "Whatcha got there, Kitty?"

 

She smiles at him and shows him the picture she just took of him and Lara Jean, all loved up and cuddling and looking for all the world like that's their natural state.  _Isn't it, though?_  

 

Something about the way Lara Jean looks, nestled in his arms - like this is where she wants to be; like he is her haven - makes his heart ache. Something about the way he looks - content; like this is where he belongs, protecting her - makes his heart pound in his chest.

 

"Can you send me that, please?" he asks Kitty, voice coming out gruff and hoarse with emotion. She nods knowingly and the rumble of his chest when he speaks seems to rouse Lara Jean, because then she's moving, fingers unconsciously caressing his face before she sits up and rubs her eyes.

 

When she becomes aware of what's happening, she's suddenly fidgety around him, looking at the time and shooing him home before his curfew hits. He doesn't argue, because she's right and also because he has the memory of waking up next to her seared into his brain.

 

Now, he realises, he  _needs_ her on that ski trip, whereas before, he just really wanted her there.

 

And so he goes back to plaguing Chris.

 

He is especially grateful for the fact that Chris has always seemed to like him (despite her intense dislike of her cousin) and he is praying this works in his favour. Over the next few days, he continues to text her, he talks to her at school, he basically implores her whenever and wherever he can. He is aware that he can probably persuade her if he hints that without Lara Jean there, Gen will make a move (which is likely what will happen) but he is not going to use that to his advantage. He wants to keep Lara Jean, him and this whole trip away from Gen as much as possible. He wouldn't exactly say that he's relentless but it feels like he's not far off and his desperation is quite apparent.

 

It eventually pays off - Chris agrees to go, which means Lara Jean will also be coming. The smile that crosses his face when he receives Chris' text is ridiculous and, if he were not at lacrosse practice, he might have actually started dancing.

 

Now that  _that's_ settled, he goes about making sure that the trip is perfect for Lara Jean. He gets Kitty to tell him where they purchase their yakult (she thought it was "disgustingly adorable" how hard he was trying); he drives all the way across town to the Korean store to ensure that Lara Jean has one of her favourite snacks (and if he weren't so excited, the knowing look his mother gave him when he trudged in the door, loaded up with yoghurt, might have actually bothered him); he looks into beginners' classes for the slopes and to see if he can join in; he tries to determine if there's a way he could sneak them out somewhere for a coffee or dinner date; he basically runs amok trying to make this a memorable trip for Lara Jean. He knows she's leery of coming, so he hopes that all his efforts will underline that she made the right decision in agreeing to come (that she made the right decision in choosing him...).

 

He just  _really_ wants her to enjoy her time with him, like he does, pretty much whenever he is with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bus/The lodge
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter is left out in the cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the infamous ski trip. This is one of the chapters that got away from me, so...bear with me? :)

Peter sits on the bus, slouched against window as he stares through the glass, looking for Lara Jean. He tried his best to get here before she did; he wants to be waiting for her when she arrives. He has the snacks ready (chocolate and yakult); he has curated a few playlists for them to listen to and he also downloaded a couple of audio books and podcasts that he knows she likes. He even made sure that he selected good seats, choosing ones that are not immediately up front but close enough that if she sits in the aisle seat, she can look through the front windows. The views on the drive to the lodge are amazing (all snowy scenery and wintry beauty) and he knows that she'll love seeing it.

 

He sees her car pull up and she spends some time bidding her father goodbye. His eyes track her movements as she makes her way to the bus and he remains fixed on the doorway, anticipating her appearance.

 

At last she steps on, taking a deep breath, he notices, seeming nervous and uncertain as she looks around the compartment. Her eyes find him and he greets her with a salute of sorts, followed by an inviting smile, hoping to appease whatever anxiety she might be feeling. She starts making her way to a seat but leaves him puzzled when she walks right past him.

 

"Whoa, hey, hey, hey," he stops her, "where're you going?" He doesn't understand what she's doing. Does she want a different seat and assumes that he'll follow her to it? He could move if she wants; he just thinks his current location is better than further back.

 

When she tells him she's going to go sit with Chris, he kind of understands but also does not at the same time. Yes, they're friends and he is perfectly well aware that the only reason Chris is here is because Lara Jean requested it. However...he's her boyfriend (as far as anyone is concerned) so, you know, the expectation is that she would sit with him. Besides, Chris is full on sleeping and also? She does not have snacks, music or books. So he tries to convince Lara Jean that he is way better company. She rebuffs him and heads to Chris, not even giving him enough time to form a rebuttal. _Aw, come on! Seriously?_

 

He sighs. He can't even follow her to the back because someone is occupying the seat across the aisle from her and he is not about to become  _that_ guy. 

 

He's looking at her, rather forlornly, he might add, trying to figure out a way to entice her back to his side when Gen appears.  _Faaaaaantastic..._

 

She asks if the seat next to him is taken and well, yeah, it should be but he has to concede that it's not. It's with resentment that he accepts his completely undesirable travel arrangements and, with one last, dejected look thrown Lara Jean's way, he turns around and slumps down on to his seat.

 

_This is great, just greaaaaat._

 

He now has to endure this entire drive away from Lara Jean; with Gen there, there's no possibility of her abandoning Chris, even temporarily, to come hang with him. The more he thinks about it, the unhappier he becomes. It feels like she has openly rejected him and it isn't his pride that's taking a hit here; it's his heart. Her public dismissal of him hurts and that's on top of the disappointment that all his best-laid plans are now worthless.

 

He can't even bring himself to follow in Chris' footsteps and fall asleep because that's just being rude, so he is forced to engage with Gen, all the while thinking about the wasted yakult in his bag.

 

Screw this ski trip.

 

~~~~~

 

The drive up ends up not being as dreadful as Peter expected. Gen is quite nice to him, opting to talk about safer topics like Christmas and New Year's, rather than their current relationships and their problems. There's a bit of reminiscing from both of them, since in recent years, they spent those holidays together (Gen was super kind the first Christmas after his dad left and tried her best to compensate for the loss). This trip down memory lane reminds Peter about why he liked Gen in the first place and how they lasted as long as they did; he thinks it's good to recall that there were good times, considering how awkwardly they ended. She does mention Lara Jean once, asking why she isn't sitting with him but as soon as he explains that she's looking after Chris, Gen rolls her eyes understandingly. She has always known how close Lara Jean and Chris are, so he assumes it makes sense to her. She doesn't try to get in any jabs about Lara Jean preferring to sit with someone else instead of him, for which he is grateful.

 

He is able to steal a glance at Lara Jean when Gen goes to talk to someone else and, despite himself, he smiles when he sees how she has effectively become a human pillow for Chris. She has somehow contorted her body to be able to sleep while still supporting Chris and the sight of her sleeping mollifies his wounded heart temporarily - until he remembers that it should be him, and not her best friend, all snuggled up next to her. He knows what that's like now - knows how right it feels; knows how at peace it makes him - and he definitely wants more of it.

 

He exits the bus before she can, meeting up with Greg as they all head inside the lodge. He hasn't spoken to her in a few hours and it feels bizarre and unnatural to have her around and not be with her. He's looking at the lodge information booklet (trying to see if there are any activities Lara Jean might be interested in, he will admit) when she strolls in with Chris, looking impressed with their accommodations.

 

It's at that point that Gen decides to revive one of their traditions - the winner of their ski races has to buy a drink for the other. She announces this in front of everyone and he catches Lara Jean looking desolately at him. It's the first time they've looked at each other since she walked away from him on the bus this morning and every nerve in him is begging him to go to her. It's insane how much he needs to be around her. He's miserable without her - he was supposed to spend the drive cuddled against her; they were supposed to walk into the lodge holding hands; he should be standing next to her, arm slung around her shoulders while hers are wrapped around his waist, talking and planning _their_ weekend together. Instead, he's all the way across the room as she looks disapprovingly at him. 

 

He raises his arms to absolve himself from blame, signaling that it's beyond his control; it's not like  _he's_ making the suggestion. It's not like he  _wanted_ to sit next to Gen for the entire ride. 

 

Besides, it's Lara Jean's choice to either spend time with him or not and that ball is entirely in her court right now. He knows he's still seething from her dismissal of him but she elected to stay away from him so she'll have to make the first move if she wants to hang out now.

 

Greg starts making plans with him and he gets caught up in the conversation. He likes skiing, he likes coming on this trip (no parental supervision, yay!) and the more he and Greg are talking, the less morose he feels about the weekend. He decides that he'll hit the slopes, hang out with his friends and not waste the opportunity of being in this awesome place. If Lara Jean decides to join him, well, all the better.

 

He enjoys his day - to an extent. Occasionally, the unused yakult flashes through his mind, but the for the most part, he tries to lose himself in the joy of flying down the slopes, crashing into his friends and appreciating the view from the ski lift. He isn't entirely successful - whenever he makes it back to the top of the hill, his eyes automatically scan the group of people there, hoping that Lara Jean somehow made her way outside to either come watch him or join him. She never appears, though, and he assumes that she's tucked inside the lodge, reading or laughing with Chris instead of being with him. He misses her so much, despite the fact that she's there, she's right there, and he's starting to wonder if he should simply ignore every single sign from her that ever gave him hope; if he should ignore what his heart constantly tells him and just accept what she said that day when she tried to break up with him in their school's hallway.

 

The thought increasingly weighs on him as the day goes on so by the time the sun goes down, he's as emotionally drained as he is physically exhausted. After he claims his hot toddy from Gen (she insisted and, well, he did win), he looks so beat that his friends, Gen included, don't even put up a fight when he begs off the rest of the evening, saying he'll just relax a bit and hit the sack early. 

 

As he is on his way to the hot tub, hoping a quick soak will help him feel better, Gen appears and asks to join him. He politely asks to be left alone (he really doesn't want to have to deal with the emotional calisthenics of being in her presence) and he is relieved at the alacrity with which she drops the issue. As he turns to leave, however, her hand shoots out to stop him, resting on his arm. He looks down pointedly at her arm but stands his ground.

 

"I don't know what's going on between you and Lara Jean," she begins and instantly, his defenses are up. "But if you want to talk to someone, I'm here for you, Peter. I'm here for you if you want someone to do more than talk, too... "

 

 _Whoa, whoa, whoa, is she really trying this? Nah, this girl canNOT be serious right now._ His eyebrows shoot up at her offer; he isn't aware of it but he's taken a step back to put physical distance between them. She goes on to explain that she and the college dude are broken up (he wonders if that's what she told the college guy about him when they first met), then tells him she's in Room 205 and will be there all night. 

 

Before he can even process her invitation, much less respond, she smiles at him and walks away. Well, he thinks, this is what he gets for being courteous to her and now he needs that hot tub more than ever. He really just needs to catch a break. When he gets to the hot tub, he is pleased to see that he's the only one one there. _Thank God._

 

The warmth of the water is exceedingly welcome but with no physical activity or company to distract him, he is confronted by the thoughts he tried so hard to escape all day.  

 

Lara Jean must really not be into him, he concludes. He thinks he's done a pretty good job of showing his interest, of being an actual good boyfriend. She can't really believe that everything he does is to maintain a pretense (that's no longer a pretense). She just can't. So all of this has to be because she doesn't actually like him. He should have just held on to what she said that first day in the diner about not trying to date him. He couldn't help it, though - she's so incredible, how was he supposed to not fall for her? 

 

As he's playing around with the water, trying to calm his brain, he starts contemplating where he goes from here (and God, this sucks, because the one person he would trust to give solid advice on this is the absolute one person he cannot talk to about it). He feels goosebumps spread across his skin and initially, he chalks it up to the chill mountain air, but then he hears her voice.  _Lara Jean._

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hot Tub
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter is so gone, we can't bring him back (not that we'd want to)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!! 
> 
> As today is Thanksgiving (in Canada) and I am supremely thankful for all of you - your support, your encouragement, your continued interest and excitement; every comment, every kudo, every bookmark, every hit - here we are: THAT scene.
> 
> Hope it makes up for how I ended the last chapter :D.

At first, he almost doesn't believe that she's there. He stares at her, convincing himself that she's not, in fact, a figment of his imagination and he didn't just dream her up because he needs her like crazy. He drinks her in, glowing golden from the light and he wishes she would just hug him and make everything better. 

 

"All by yourself out here?" she asks with a conciliatory smile, extending her olive branch.

 

 _Obviously,_ he thinks. There's only one person he wants to be around and she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't feel the same way. His voice gets caught in his throat because he wants to respond but what does he say? That he wants her company? That he missed her all day? That she hurt his feelings? That he wishes she would stop trying to hide from what's between them? He doesn't think any of those would be a good way to start a conversation, so he says nothing, instead preferring to look down at his hands in the water. 

 

She asks if he's ignoring her now and he just has to scoff at that, because the  _nerve._ All of the disillusionment and resentment from the day return and although he is so happy that she's here with him now, that she wants to be near him, she needs to know that she caused him pain today; he wants her to know; he wants her to know it hurt because he cares so damned much about her.

 

He tears his gaze from her because the more he thinks about how much he likes her, how much he wants her and how much the feeling is not mutual, the more he just cannot look at her. 

 

She perches herself on the edge of the hot tub and starts talking to him, offering excuses about why she was absent from his side all day. She tries to put the blame back on him but nope, that's not happening. He lets her know as such, confessing the moment this entire day went off the rails. 

 

"Oh," he starts, "and I'm supposed to be sweet to you after you just... don't sit with me on the bus ride up here?" It's a legitimate question. Is he supposed to be? His body language demonstrates how much her neglect frustrated him. She has the gall to justify it and when she says it enabled to him to sit next to who he truly wanted, it dawns on him; he finally understands the reason behind all of her behaviour - jealousy  _-_ and it thrills him to his core because it means she likes him. She likes him. She freaking  _likes_  him. She's jealous -  _actually_ jealous - of Gen because she thinks that's who Peter wants to be with. Well,  _lies._ Which must not be allowed to persist. 

 

He honestly cannot believe she even put faith in the misconception that he still wants Gen. She can't be this dense, can she? She's way too smart for this. But then, when it comes to him, maybe she isn't. Maybe her inexperience with relationships renders her incapable of understanding him. Here he thought his feelings and intentions were undoubtedly clear to her but no, he's going to have to spell it out.

 

He makes a show of explaining it to her; he thinks it will cut the tension between them. He might just have to laugh at the fact that she didn't - or wouldn't - figure it out. He wants to ask her if she hasn't been paying attention but he's kind of enjoying that he has to explain this to her. He also bets that no one has ever accused Lara Jean Covey of being dense (her affronted reaction confirms as much), but she really is right now. 

 

"I wanted to sit next to you, Lara Jean," he declares, looking at her. He chooses to let his actions testify to his feelings, because that just might be the only way. So he tells her about how he made sure to get the snacks she likes so much. She is so surprised that he went out of his way but he's trying to show her that she shouldn't be.

 

"So if I went all the way across town to get you something that you like, then that means...?"

 

He's enjoying this. What the hell is wrong with him, he's enjoying this? He knows, he  _knows_ he only feels that way because it's Lara Jean. He can follow her thought process; he can see realisation hitting her; he can see her struggle with accepting it (why can't she just trust him - trust _them_?). She makes some flippant remark about him really liking yoghurt and though it makes him laugh, he just gives up, splashing the water to channel his disgruntlement. He has laid out for her as much as he can without throwing himself at her feet and now she can either believe him or...not.

 

She seems to get it. She turns to him, putting her feet into the water and, seeing that she's fully clothed, he expects that it's closest she will come. 

 

She apologises for not sitting next to him but he's feeling magnanimous right now (did he mention that she  _likes_ him?) so he lets it slide. It really is okay - she put his feelings above hers (or so she thought) and he appreciates that but the simple truth is that her presence alone lights up his life.

 

She is still staring at him and he looks at her with hope, though he couldn't say what exactly he's hoping for. He smiles as he recognises that she's still there with him and isn't running way. He'll take it. He'll take whatever she's willing to give him. 

 

When she removes her jacket, he thinks maybe the steam from the hot tub is too warm for her; he is not expecting her to slide into the hot tub fully clothed. He questions her actions and her response is so uniquely Lara Jean (seriously only she would think it's perfectly rational to come in with her nightgown because she doesn't have a bathing suit; any other girl he knows would have just stripped down to their underwear). He can't stop looking at her as she wades over to him - the seductive vision she's creating, taking his breath away, and when she says hi, he is completely lost to her. 

 

 _I love you_ , he thinks. But maybe she's not quite ready to hear that.

 

"There's no one like you, Covey," he tells her instead, because it's true and she needs to know. There never has been and there never will be anybody like her for him.

 

She is standing there, oh so close to him and he accepts her invitation, reaching out and pulling her onto his lap. He wants - no,  _needs -_ to be as close as humanly possible to her, wanting to atone for all of the time they've lost.

 

She wraps her arms around his neck, mimicking the movement of her legs around his waist -  _God, woman!_ Her touch is more than electrifying, it's scintillating and as Peter looks into her eyes, the litany plays in his head:  _I love you. I love you. I love you._

 

She tilts her head, leaning in to him, her intention clear and he turns to meet her, waiting, relinquishing all control to her. She touches her lips to his and this simple action sets him on fire. Sure, it feels incredible to have her on top of him, pressed against him but the thought that Lara Jean is kissing him, that she wants to kiss him - that he knows what this means to her and what it now means for them - intoxicates him. 

 

For a novice, Lara Jean is especially adept at driving him crazy. Her fingers lightly trace his skin, roaming his shoulders, scratching his neck and caressing his back; he's pretty sure he's trembling from her touch. He wonders if she has any idea of what she's doing to him; he wonders if she knows she's making him lose his damned mind. He revels in the feel of her and, yeah, he takes back his snarky comment about her nightgown - full retraction. He thought her boots were hot? They got nothing on the nightgown that is proving to be his undoing; it's way more erotic than he could have predicted, the way the water keeps pushing her against him so that her breasts press tantalisingly on his chest through the material. She rocks her hips on him, and _Whoa! Daaaaayum, Covey!_ He thinks he just might die. She rocks her hips again and yup, she's going to kill him. He's going to die right here in this hot tub. But God, what a way to go!

 

He is so wrapped up in her - the smoothness of her legs, the softness of her arms , the warmth of her body - that he's only capable of staring adoringly at her when she stops and looks at him. She doesn't say anything, just gazes at him with that same tender look she sometimes gives him. He wants to ensure that she's okay with all of this (this is the most physical she has ever been with anyone and he wants it to be her choice, he does not want her to feel forced at all) so when she claims nothing's the matter and starts kissing him again, he winds his arms around her, binding her to him, and loses himself in her. 

 

He latches on to the fact he was her first kiss (both times), her first hand in her back pocket and now her first make out session. If it's up to him, he would be her first - and only - everything. 

 

If it's up to him, he would love her for eternity. 

 

~~~~~

 

He has no idea how long they stay like that, touching, exploring and learning each other. She is tucked against him, her back to his chest, his arms around her, legs all tangled together under the water. His chin is resting on her right shoulder when he feels her shudder. 

 

Tickling her neck with his nose, he asks if she's cold. It's then that they make the decision to head back inside. 

 

Lara Jean encircles his left arm with both of hers, plastering herself to him. They walk back like that, eyes only for each other, smiles shared between them with occasional quick kisses (because he can now, and for real).

 

They're so caught up in each other that they don't even feel the chill from their wet clothing. 

 

They stop on the landing just before her door. She turns to head to her room and  _Excuse you, Covey. Where do you think you're going?_

 

He's still holding her hand and he uses it to draw her back in for another kiss. She tiptoes to get closer to him and it's official - he will never get enough of this. Her hands are skimming his abs and he loves how it seems like she can't get enough of him. He really just wants to stay with her but he knows he has to let her go, so when they separate, he tells her, "Good night, Lara Jean," in a voice that lets her know it's the very last thing he wants to do.

 

She bids him a good night in return but, instead of turning around, she backs toward her door. He could keep looking at her forever, so he does the same, trying to get his fill of her (news flash: he'll never be able to) before he absolutely has to leave her. When he reaches the end of the hall, he has to rip his eyes away from her; otherwise, he would just go right back to her and keep her in his arms forever. As he parts from her, he feels like he's walking on clouds; he's so high on his love for her. 

 

On the way to his own room, he passes Room 205 and remembers Gen. He sighs but decides to disabuse her of any notion she might have of them doing, well, anything, together. He's going to tell her that he's thankful for what was between them but it's done now; they're over. He has to be honest with her, he thinks. He owes her that much, at least.

 

He's doing this for Lara Jean as much as himself and the truth is, he'll do anything for her. He is so gone for her; he is all in. His heart - hell, all of him,  _he -_ is unequivocally hers.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bus (part 2)/The break up (part 1)/The break up (part 2)
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter has his heart broken

Peter is way better prepared for the trip home than he was for the drive up. Apart from him and Lara Jean being, you know, officially  _real,_ he can arrange things to her liking. As he did for the ride up, he gets on the bus before she does and he also selects their seats. This time, however, he heads for the back and it's only after he has settled in that he realises it's the same seat she was in with Chris. Well, it couldn't hurt, right?

 

He even has his note for today, scrawled on the lodge stationery, with three hearts next to her name on the outside.

 

 _Covey,_ it reads,  _I think I'm in love with you._

 

He has no intention of giving it to her on the bus; the plan is to hand it to her when they're alone is his car, on the way to drop her home. She'll read it, then look at him and ask him if he really thinks he's in love with her (she might even do that scrunchy-nose thing she did when he offered to write the notes); he'll then tell her no - he  _knows_  he is. 

 

When she boards the bus, the rest of students, like the idiots they are, applaud and holler. That seems to set her on edge because when she sits down, she nervously asks him if he told anyone about what they did last night.

 

It confuses him for a bit because he didn't (never even considered it, really, because he feels fiercely protective of their relationship and Lara Jean is also very private) but when he figures out why she asked, he explains that it's just what happens on the ski trip with couples (which it is). He doesn't mention it's because the bus is congratulating couples on all the sex they were supposed to be having this weekend but he doesn't think he needs to do that? Lara Jean is fully aware of the ski trip's reputation and she's brilliant so he thinks she would have an idea of what this is all about. 

 

She accepts his explanation and with that out of the way, he asks to do what he wanted to on the way up: snuggle with her. She happily agrees to let him sleep on her and he shifts over to rest his head on shoulder. She's just as warm and soft as when they fell asleep in her room and this is something he could really get used to. He notices that they're both wearing plaid this morning and he thinks it's delightful that they're matching that way. He smiles when he feels her drop her head on his and before he drifts off, he thinks if this is how they're going to be from now on, with them living in each other's personal space, well, that is perfectly fine by him. 

 

~~~~~

 

When they pull into the parking lot of their school, they agree that Lara Jean will collect her luggage first because Peter has to talk to his lacrosse coach about a few things. That, unfortunately, is where it all goes south, because it leaves them exposed to Gen's devices. As Peter steps off the bus, his eyes automatically search for Lara Jean and he spots her talking to Gen. Suddenly, he's apprehensive as hell. While he hopes that everything is all dandy, his mind knows that there is just no way this can be good.

 

He finishes his conversation around the same time that Gen walks away and as he approaches Lara Jean, he sees the dismay all over her face. She doesn't waste time, not even answering his question about if she's ready; instead she questions him about going to Gen's room the previous night. It takes him by surprise - he wasn't expecting to have to discuss this now, here, so yeah, he doesn't do a good job with his response, but then, he doesn't get to provide much of a response because as soon as he admits that he did, she cuts him off, cuts off the explanation that could have saved them all some heartbreak.

 

She then asks him about giving Gen her favourite scrunchie and it takes him a little bit to get on the same page with her (because he has to remember what she's talking about, has to figure out why she would ask that, has to recall that nope, he didn't give it to Gen so much as Gen took it). The delay costs him even more because then Lara Jean is all worked up and asking him if he thinks she's a joke.

 

One - um, hell, no. Would he have gone all the way across town to get yoghurt for kicks? Don't think so.

Two - how can she even think that, after all this time, after everything he's done, after last night?

And three - can he get a word in edgewise?

 

He tries to placate her, letting her know that she doesn't have all the information but she is having none of it and proceeds to end things with him.

 

_Please, Lara Jean. Please don't do this. Please give me a chance. Please let me explain._

 

He has to wonder why she's always wanting to break up with him. Yes, he knows she's terrified of being hurt and on some level, this is her getting ahead of that by hurting him first but that's just not being fair to either one of them. They both deserve better.

 

Well. He will not let this be the end of everything between them, not when he hasn't even been given a chance to clarify the situation. He asks - nay, begs - for that opportunity because he knows that if he can get her alone and just _explain,_ hell,if he could just give her the note, it would be okay. But she has already jumped to her own conclusions and proceeds to wound him the way she feels he has wounded her, telling him she would rather drive home than be in a car with him right now.

 

_Ouch._

 

He lets her go, though. She is livid and in her current mood, anything he has to say will just get shot down, so he will let her be. For now. There is no way he's allowing this to be over. Not like this. Not without a fight from him.

 

 

 ~~~~~

 

 

He waits what he thinks is more than an adequate amount of time, showering and making sure to see his mom and Owen, before heading over to her house. She opens the door and doesn't even let him come inside, which - not gonna lie - feels strange because since this all started, he has always been welcome in the Covey home.

 

She leads him down the stairs and apparently, they're doing this on her walkway? Um... okay? At least maybe this time he'll get to explain. When he told her, "We need to talk," he really did mean  _we._ As in he gets a chance to speak, since he didn't earlier. She needs to know what's really going on. 

 

Before she can cut him off again, he begins by addressing her greatest fear when he tells her that nothing happened between him and Gen (and really, after what happened between them, how can she think  _any_ thing could have happened with anyone else at any point in time? Does she honestly think so little of him? But it's his fault, see: he still hasn't told her how he feels. He's going to rectify that).

 

Lara Jean is chastising when she says the problem is that he went to Gen's room in the first place and okay, excellent point. But, as he tries to tell her, he owed it to Gen. He went to Gen's room to bid her a final farewell; close the door definitively on them. And yeah, his wording (or approach) could probably use some more thought (because he doesn't mean to insinuate that he still has feelings for Gen; he just wants Lara Jean to understand that despite Gen's failings, they were so much to each other for so long that the least he could do is be honest and up front with her; treat her with some level of respect) but it tumbles out in a mess because he's trying to get it out all at once.

 

When she discloses that she's tired of being second best or fake best, it feels like his heart breaks. She does not get it, like  _at all._ This girl standing before him is the girl of his dreams. Maybe she always has been and he pushed it to the side because it couldn't happen. He doesn't know. All he knows is that now that he has spent time with her and has been able to reflect on their history, he has realised he has always liked her, has always respected her, has always thought she's incredible and has always held her in the highest regard. 

 

He tries to let her know this by starting off with what last night meant to him but yet again, she does not let him talk. She jumps in, saying it was a mistake and if it only _felt_ like she broke his heart before? Well, now it's unquestionably shattered. 

 

It's a mistake to her because she thinks it doesn't mean the same thing to him and like, why is she always making assumptions about him (assuming he's not the type of person to write notes; assuming he wouldn't drink kombucha; assuming he still wants to be with Gen; assuming he's not serious about her)? Like when has he ever indicated that it isn't a big deal to him? She clearly has no idea what it means to him if she thinks that. It's a goddamn  _huge_ deal. He is not the James Dean she thinks he is. And to base his feelings on teenage boys' reactions? Oh, come  _on._

 

She asks him to leave but he can't yet; he hasn't told her what he came here to tell her (that this is just a big misunderstanding; that he loves her; that he wants to be with her for real) and until he has at least tried to make things right between them, he can't give up. So he pleads for them to go inside - where they can sit and have a proper conversation and she can see how sincere he is.  

 

It's at that point that Sanderson shows up. 

 

Great. _Just_ what he needs right now. Why was he hanging around to begin with?  _Where_ was he hanging around?

 

Josh proceeds to insert himself in their conversation and _Oh my God -_

 

"Are you serious right now?" Peter asks. He's pretty sure it's directed at both Lara Jean and her neighbour. Truth is, if it were anyone else in any other situation, he might have appreciated how Josh is standing up for Lara Jean and being a good friend. He notices the familiarity with which Lara Jean talks to Josh, the ease of their communication and the way Sanderson thinks he has a right to dismiss Lara Jean's boyfriend. But the most incriminating bit is Lara Jean's face and the fact that she doesn't do anything. For a girl who's so opinionated with him, who has never been afraid to confront him or call him out, she's perfectly okay with Josh fighting this battle for her. An idea takes root in his brain, fueled by that niggling fear that never left him, exploding suddenly because it makes sense; it explains so much. It's not so much that she's upset about him and Gen; it's that she still has feelings for Josh.

 

This is why she didn't want to kiss him; this is why she kept refusing to acknowledge what was happening between them; this is why she tried to break up with him before the ski trip.  _Oh, God._ He doesn't have an explanation for last night other than he thinks she cares for him and got carried away. But she apparently still cares for Josh so much more.

 

The revelation stuns him so much that he ends up voicing his thought process, no filter in place.

 

Which is what Margot ends up hearing. She ends up hearing from her sister's (fake? ex?) boyfriend that said sister is in love with her own ex-boyfriend. 

 

And now he could kick himself. He hasn't just ruined their relationship; he's ruined practically everyone's - Margot's and Lara Jean's, Margot's and Josh's, maybe even Lara Jean's and Josh's. He's also likely ruined Lara Jean's and Kitty's because he's sure Kitty must now have a very different opinion of her sister.  _Jesus._

 

This time when she turns to him and tells him to go home, with tears on her face and in her voice, he doesn't argue. He has destroyed enough tonight but he came here with a purpose and even though he can't tell her everything, can't let her know he's hers whether she wants him or not, there's one thing he has to clear up, even if she doesn't believe him.

 

With a last, apologetic, desperate look at everyone, he informs her, "God, you were never second best." 

 

 _Ever,_ he silently adds. His eyes linger on her as he retreats, hoping that she will at least acknowledge what he said. She doesn't.

 

He gets home after his mom and Owen are in their rooms and he's grateful because even though he needs them right now, he doesn't think he could be as brave for them as he would want to be. He curls up on his bed, the events of the night replaying in his mind and, not for the first time, he has to wonder why - what it is about him - what is so fundamentally  _wrong_ with him that makes the people he loves not want him. His dad, Gen, Lara Jean - all of them didn't stay with him because they found someone else, someone better. It doesn't matter how good of a person he tries to be, how much he tries to show them how much they mean to him; they still leave.

 

Why is he never good enough? Why is he never... enough?

 

He starts shaking and he can't help the sobs that rack his body uncontrollably. For the first time since his father left him, Peter cries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm...sorry?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean's locker
> 
> Or
> 
> Peter is SO done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so very much for all of your thoughts/feelings/responses to the last chapter - I love knowing ALL of it (seriously, hearing from you all is quite addictive...)
> 
> This is the other chapter that ran away from me so I ask for your indulgence once again.
> 
> We're not quite there yet, so if you need it, there's room under the Peter Kavinsky blanket-for-protection-from-all-the-pain.

The holidays pass by in a blur. Peter isn't sure where his days go, really; he just knows that between his family and his friends, they try to keep him occupied to the point of exhaustion. They think that if they can physically drain him, his brain won't have the energy to think about Lara Jean. They're wrong. 

 

It's not that he's actively trying to think about her; it's that he can't help it. She's been so ingrained into every part of his life that it's impossible to not think about her. He sees her whenever he looks at his phone (and yes, he will admit he does that a lot, because she's on it. He refuses to change his background; he keeps saying he will but he doesn't); he sees her on the counter top when he walks into the kitchen; he sees her at the dinner table (his mom lets him off the hook for a couple of nights to be kind, but then puts her foot down when Owen says he misses eating dinner with Peter); he sees her in his passenger seat when he gets into his car. 

 

She's there under every mistletoe he walks by (because they started kissing and he was very much looking forward to taking advantage of the holiday tradition every chance he got); she's there whenever he sees his mom baking; she's there in the present he bought her that sits on the desk in his room. He stares at it sometimes, hoping he'll be able to give it to her. He thinks things are too raw between them for him to actually give her in time for Christmas so maybe in the new year. Maybe.

 

He tries, he really tries, to put on a brave face and do the best that he can and for the most part, he thinks he's successful. But then his mom will randomly hug him and blame it on the holidays, although they both know better. He appreciates it. One night, Owen brings popcorn and puts on Fight Club and it elicits a genuine smile from him. He tackle hugs Owen and thanks him but also lets him know that he can't be tricked into letting his younger brother watch a movie that their mother would not allow. That seems to be a turning point somehow. He feels less dejected about the whole thing.

 

Until the video is leaked. 

 

Peter doesn't know who was creeping on him and Lara Jean in the hot tub but it makes him sick. It's bad enough that their privacy was breached in such a way but on top of that, it was shared with the world, which makes it infinitely worse. This was their moment - theirs - and it was taken and put on display. He can only imagine how Lara Jean feels, if he gets so furious when he thinks about it... when he thinks about how they know what she looks like when he's kissing her; how they know what he looks like when she touches him; how they know that he trembles under her touch; how they know that her body seems to crave his; how these moments were stolen from them and put on blast for everyone to see - people who had no right to their intimacy.

 

Some of his friends congratulate him and praise his skills but the ones who know him best, like Greg, know that he's livid. Greg even helps him try to track down the source of the video, in an attempt to get rid of it, but to no avail. There's a suspicion, in the back of his mind, a suspicion that just won't go away on account of the timing of the release of the video but he doesn't want to pursue it because he just does not want to go down that road with Gen.

 

The comments on the video are the worst of all, though. He isn't a violent person but _Oh my God,_ he feels like this might turn him that way.He wants to go after every single person making a salacious comment about Lara Jean and shake them until they understand what kind of person she truly is; that they can't go around talking crap about people like that. Naturally, he knows that he can't and they can. Why are people so stupid?

 

Throughout it all, he debates whether or not he should reach out to Lara Jean. In fact, he starts composing texts to her, to find out how she's handling it (by all accounts, like a pro - because there's no response from her on it and he thinks that really is the best approach) and to offer his support if she needs it. No one else can commiserate, he thinks, because no one else understands the desecration of that memory; it's just the two of them.

 

He doesn't contact her, of course. She's probably fine. She has Margot, Kitty, Chris, now Lucas and... Josh. He doesn't want to believe that her feelings for him were (are?) inconsequential but when he blurted that thing about her and Josh, she never denied it. He understands that she couldn't have in that moment but she never did afterward so he figures it's either true (and he can't even begin to process what that means for her relationship with Margot, although he knows Lara Jean; knows she won't act on it for Margot's sake) or she just doesn't care about setting the record straight with him. Regardless, he shouldn't bother her.

 

The video is good for one thing, though: it restores his faith in himself because it's proof to him that her feelings for him were strong and true; knowing Lara Jean as he does, there was no way she would have ever been that intimate with him if she didn't care deeply about him. 

  

Christmas is a mellow affair. They go to his grandparents' place and it's so good to be surrounded by all that unconditional love that the day turns out mostly okay. He winds up sitting with him mom and grandmom while they watch one of those holiday romance movies and when they comment on it, he says he just wants to spend time with them (which he does, but it's not his only motivation. It's also because it reminds him of Lara Jean and in watching it, he feels closer to closer to her). He wonders if she's watching the same movie at the same time - he thinks she probably is and he wishes that they could be curled up next to each other on the couch, watching it together. 

 

He does make an effort for New Year's Eve, though. Greg insists; tells him he can't wallow away such an important night so Peter gets dressed and heads over to his friend's house. He enjoys himself, surprisingly. He doesn't know if it's the optimistic nature of the idea of a new year and starting fresh but as the clock draws near to midnight, he finds himself grateful for what happened in the past year (four months, really) and looking forward to the start of the year. Maybe, just maybe, he can salvage a friendship. 

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

Peter ends up being late for the first day of the new school term. All morning, he keeps reminding himself that he won't have to pick up Lara Jean and Kitty (and keeps thinking how weird the drive will feel without them). That, however, does not stop him from automatically making the turn towards their house, instead of towards school. When he eventually realises what's happened, he's almost at their home and he loses about twenty minutes because he obviously did not plan for that detour.

 

That's why he walks into the scene he does in the hallway. There's a commotion up ahead, a whole group of people huddled around a locker and as he's making his way to find out what's happening, he sees Lara Jean storming away from it all. Very much like the last time he saw her, she's worked up and clearly in distress and he can't take it, he just can't. He can't go through this again. He is utterly incapable of seeing her so upset and not trying to do something about it, so he frantically stops her to get her to talk to him.

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, what's going on, what's going on?"

 

The words fly out of him in rapid succession because he needs her to stop and just  _talk_ to him. Though he himself is worried, he keeps his tone soft and concerned, because that's what she needs right now. His arms reach for her as she walks past him and she turns on him, accusation in her eyes. When she tells him she bets he's happy that the video leaked, it feels like he's been sliced open. He ignores that she's making assumptions about his feelings again (he's not happy, like _at all_ ) because she's hurting and he has always known it would be so much worse for her than for him. 

 

She walks away from him and then Chris is putting something in his hand and asking if he plans to do something about this.  _This_ turns out to be a printed screenshot of their hot tub encounter and as he looks at it, the physical proof of what they shared, the physical proof that they were both violated in such an abhorrent way, he feels his rage about the whole thing coming back. No wonder Lara Jean, the girl who professed to be invisible, willingly made a scene in front of everyone. He can _not_ believe they still have to deal with this insanity.

 

_Enough._

 

He decides to put an end to this once and for all, leveraging his sway as "King of the Cafeteria" when he effectively tells the school to mind their own business and leave Lara Jean the hell alone or he will go on a rampage. He will not allow them to slander her; he will protect her in any capacity he can, until she tells him to stop. 

 

He follows her because he has to clear up the misconception she has - that he's happy about this, that he has anything at all to do with it. On his way to her, Chris compliments him on having done a nice job and while it's good to know that he has the approval of Lara Jean's friends, that's not his primary concern right now so he brushes her off. There is so much he has not been able to say, so much he has not been given the chance to tell her (he just wants to talk to her so he can make her _understand)_ but this is one thing that she must know. He has to run to catch her because she's moving so quickly but he manages to reach her in time.

 

He wants to apologise for the video, for the humiliation it brought on both of them (especially her) but once he starts, he needs to tell her that he's sorry about everything. Because he is. He's sorry that he hurt her, he's sorry that she was exposed like this because of him, he's sorry that they couldn't make this work (no matter how much he wanted to). He's so infuriated by it all that it's true - if he knew who did this, he would go after them. Her response that he should know who's behind it makes him remember his suspicion. He doesn't want it to be true - he doesn't want to think that someone who once cared so much for him would want to use him and hurt him like this - but he knows, deep down, that Lara Jean is right. With a heavy heart, he offers to go talk to Gen but, once again, Lara Jean's bravery shines through when she decides it's her battle.

 

He watches her walk away, wanting to go after her, wanting to help her, but he knows she'll be perfectly fine, with or without him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lacrosse field (part 2)
> 
> Or 
> 
> Peter gets the girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at last. I hope I've done you proud.

The rest of the first day back at school feels strange. Just like at home, Lara Jean has become so woven into Peter's daily life that when she isn't there, it feels like an aberration. There's no Lara Jean next to him in the cafeteria during lunch; he finds he doesn't know what to do with himself - with his hands, with his body, with where he sits, with who he turns to; there's no meeting up between classes; there's no studying together in the library. Once, he even catches himself getting his notebook out to write her note until he remembers that's probably not a thing he should do anymore (even though he still wants to). He misses her _so_ much but he takes heart from the fact that she was willing to talk to him this morning (well, yell at him, mostly, but still, she  _spoke_ to him, which is more than he got the last few weeks) and at least she didn't ignore him and she didn't tell him to go away. If she still wants him in her life in some capacity, he'll take it. He misses being able to talk to her about anything and everything; he misses her thoughts and opinions; he misses his best friend. 

 

He has lacrosse practice that afternoon and that's another thing that he's going to miss - having her watch his games. He should have told her this, but whenever she was there, he was always less nervous before a match. As they go through their runs, he suddenly remembers the day she marched right onto the field to accept his proposal. He knows it's pointless, but he wishes she would appear now, to tell him that she accepts  _him_ ; that she wants him.

 

After practice, everyone else heads home but he remains on the field, packing up and ensuring it's in perfect condition for whichever team needs it next. As he turns around, having just pushed the net back into position, he is a little surprised to see Lara Jean standing before him. His heart beats faster and he just stares at her, trying to figure out if she's really there or if he's lost his mind and has started seeing things because of how desperately he misses her.

 

She looks at him expectantly (and a bit nervously?), like she isn't sure that he will acknowledge her or want to talk to her.  _Not a chance, Covey._ He will always want to talk to her, even when he's mad or upset - or _especially_ when he's mad or upset; she is  _his_ person.

 

She's here, is all he can think. She's here and this is a chance for him, for _them_. 

 

_Don't blow it. Don't scare her off. Don't ruin what's left._

 

"Hey," he greets her, all feigned nonchalance. His cool exterior might be fooling her (might) but not him. He's anxious as hell. He has no idea what she's doing here at the moment but all of him is hoping that she wants to talk, she wants to hear his side, she's sorry, too, she misses him as much as he misses her, she wants to give them a chance, she -  _Pipe down,_ _Kavinsky! Just...chillax._

 

Apparently she has something to tell him. From what he can tell, she seems unsure about whatever it is and that in turn fills him with dread. It can't be good, he thinks - she's wary of hurting his feelings, because despite everything, she does actually care about him so she does not  _want_ to hurt him, but it's what has to happen...right? Why else would she be this tentative around him? He sighs, using the walk towards her to brace himself for the inevitable rejection. 

 

"I drove here," she announces.

 

That stops him in his tracks.

 

 _Uh_ , s _ay what now? Um, okay. Alrighty then. That's...it?!?_

 

That is  _not_ what he was expecting. Not what he was expecting at all. His bewilderment (and disappointment, not gonna lie) is evident in his response but he congratulates her because this is an achievement for her and he has always been proud of her for facing her fears (which she does, except when it comes to him, apparently). He doesn't think he can sound any more heartbroken but he doesn't care, really. He can't pretend for her anymore; hasn't been able - or wanted - to for a long time, now.

 

She thanks him and turns to leave but as she does so, he spies the folded piece of paper in her hand. Hang on a minute - is that...is that what he thinks it is? Is that a note? Did she... did she write him a note? Oh, please let it be for him.  _Please_ let it be another love letter to him.  _Please, please, please._ Please let it be a letter in which she writes that everything between them was true for her, too, and that she feels the same way about him. Is that asking for too much? Maybe, but he wants it so badly.  _Please._

 

The idea that she wrote him a letter  - and  _drove here on her own_  to deliver it - fills him with so much hope that he might actually smile (and yes, only this girl is capable of sending him to the depths of despair and soaring to the highest heights, all within the space of a minute). He can't let her get away until he knows if it's for him so he stops her before she can make her escape.

 

"What's that in your hand?" he asks, moving closer to her. 

 

She claims it's nothing and nuh uh, _lies_.It's not nothing. She didn't get into a car and _drive here_ (has he mentioned that she drove - Lara Jean Covey actually drove, of her own free will, to come see him?) for nothing. Nope, not buying it. So he challenges her on it, playfully trying to get it from her (and oh, how they slip so easily back into being comfortable around each other, like there was never any distance between them...). When he actually sees his name on the paper, however, he stops.

 

He wasn't supposed to see the first letter, he knows that; she never meant for him to read it (he's grateful he did, however; look where it led them) but he's not going to let that happen again. This time, it will be her choice if he gets to see what she's written. He's not going to take that away from her. She decides her (their) fate. Whatever happens next will not happen because of a mistake (and, yeah, he still hates that word).

 

"No," he tells her, "you know what? If you want me to read that, then you need to give it to me." 

 

And with that, he's telling her that whatever unfolds after this is entirely up to her. He doesn't know the contents of the letter but he doesn't need to. All he needs to know is what she wants to tell him. She has to make the conscious decision about what happens to them, whatever it might be. She has to be brave enough when it comes to him (them).

 

She asks him to turn around (Seriously? _Seriously?!?!?)_ which he laughs at but, okay, he'll do it because it's what she needs. It's not looking good if she's unable to face him when she tells him what she came here to say, so he's preparing himself for the worst. He hears the birds in the background and lovely, how lovely, that he might have his heart broken (again) in such an idyllic setting.

 

"Dear Peter," she begins, and he takes a breath because whatever follows could rend his entire being in two. But he retains hope. Because she drove hereto see him. Because she wrote him a letter. Because she kissed him of her own free will, with absolutely no reason to, other than that she wanted to.

 

_Tell me that it's real for you, too._

_Tell me it's not just me._

_Tell me I didn't imagine it._

_Tell me that you love me, Covey._

 

She stops and he feels her tap on his shoulder, so he turns around, eyes locked on her face in case this is the last time he gets to be with her like this. She's gorgeous, with the evening sun caressing her face and he is so intent on her that when she finishes by telling him she likes him for real, he does not immediately respond. He loves the way her voice sounds when she says it ("I like you, Peter Kavinsky, and not in a fake way."), all vulnerable honesty and thinks he could probably listen to her say it all day, every day.

 

The delay is apparently a terrible reaction because then she's trying to run away again, and no, not this time,  _I am not_ having _it, Covey._

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't I get to say something?" he asks, voice soft, because, doesn't he? She can't really expect to just make his entire life like that and run away.

 

And oh, also because, you know,  _OH MY FREAKING GOD -_ she has _actually_ told him  _to his face,_ that she likes him. She likes him (he knew that, but now she's  _choosing_  him, she's _staying_ with him, she wants _him_ , she wants to be with _him)_ , he loves her and now he can  _fiiiiiiiiinally_ tell her that. She can finally know and not have to wonder about where his heart lies (with her, always with her). She looks worried, like how he thinks he might have looked before she said it (and aren't they just the perfect pair for each other? Crazy in love but too wrapped up in each other to even notice it.  _UGH!)._

 

He has to do this right, though; he has to get rid of that lingering demon that hangs over their heads, so he starts with where he left off outside her house that dreadful night - by explaining to her why in the ever-loving world he went to Gen's room during the ski trip. He can't believe he's getting to do this. He can't believe he's getting to do this right after she admitted and accepted that she likes him, too. The happiness he feels is ridiculous and he has to try to get it all out before he bursts. He has to pause, though, as he's about to let her know the reality of his feelings because yes, he is scared - he knows how much she can destroy him because he's lived it, and that was before this - but she is worth him risking it; she is worth everything. So he forges on.

 

"...because I'm in love with you, Lara Jean. Only you." There. She knows. She _knows._ He feels nothing but peace now, like all is right in the world.

 

He can't stop the smile that takes over his face when she responds, "You're what?", all cute scrunchy-nose-face and disbelievingly happy.

 

He can't help the joy he feels, knowing that he gets to make her feel that way. _He_ gets to make _her_ feel that way because of how _he_ feels about her. And _that_ feels incredible.

 

He leans in for a kiss (because he can do that again!) but then she asks how do they do this. Now, he's confused and asks her to clarify. He thinks he almost dies when she asks what goes into a contract for a real relationship. 

 

 _Oh dear God, she can't be real!_ He just wants to pull her into a hug because she's hilariously adorable but, recognising that this is her first real relationship (and okay, okay, he's still on track for being all of her firsts, nice, very nice), he tells her meaningfully, "Nothing. You gotta trust."

 

He knows it's a big deal for her; it is for him, too. They're both trusting each other with their hearts, with  _themselves_ so when he asks, "You gonna break my heart, Covey?", he's telling her that she has the power to do so - he's giving her that power; his heart is hers and, he thinks, might always be.

 

She smiles, shakes her head and shrugs and then finally,  _fi-na-lly,_ Peter is kissing the girl he loves. His arms slip around her, keeping her near while her hand comes up to curl around his neck, bringing him closer to her. This is nothing like the last kiss they shared on this field. This one is so much more intense, because they know each other's bodies better now - and because they're in love. Her other hand grips him and keeps trying to pull him closer, closer; he laughs because he loves how it seems like she can't possibly get close enough to him. All fine by him!

 

They break apart for air, noses touching, breathing each other in, then he remembers that he's sweaty from practice.

 

He's tracing patterns on her cheek with his nose as he says, "We should probably go." It's more of a request than a suggestion, because he clearly isn't going anywhere she's not. 

 

"Don't wanna," she murmurs, eyes closed, enjoying the feel of him. "I like it here."

 

He chuckles, thrilled that she's as gone over him as he is for her. 

 

"So do I, Lara Jean," he replies with the smile that's now a permanent part of him lining his voice, "but I'm all sweaty." 

 

"Mmmm," she hums, eyes still closed, "I like that, too."

 

She suddenly freezes, as her brain catches up to what she said and when she opens her eyes, it's to see him grinning from ear to ear. 

 

He keeps his eyes on hers as he responds, "Oh, so, you like that, huh?" 

 

Her cheeks redden and he cannot resist, he absolutely cannot, so he leans in, voice all low and seductive, practically growling in her ear, "I'ma remember that, Covey." 

 

He feels her shudder and he really enjoys how her reactions to him are so uninhibited and genuine. She recovers, however, and with her hands holding firmly on to his sweater and a glint in her eye, she leans back and flirtatiously says, "You do that, Peter Kavinsky."

 

Now it's his turn to feel weak in the knees.

 

God, he loves this. He loves her. 

 

He's so happy that he decides to take a selfie for Instagram - you know, to celebrate them being _officially_ official (not like they'll tell the world that; nah, this is just for them, to mark the occasion). She sees him pull out his phone and asks what he's doing; when he explains, she softly instructs him, "Use mine," handing her phone to him.

 

He's pretty sure his smile will split his face in two and he happily obeys. As he's positioning the phone in front of them to snap their photo, he sees that her lock screen is that photo Kitty took of them, cuddling and sleeping during their study session. He bites his lip, overjoyed that she kept it as her background - she kept him - and he makes a note to show her his phone later because, yup, great minds think alike and well, wouldn't you know -  his background is the very same.

 

She posts the photo of him kissing her forehead with the caption "Reunited and it feels so good", surrounded by music emojis.

 

 _Oh._ This one he knows. "Correct me if I'm wrong Covey," he teases, knowing fully well that he's not, "but thatis _definitely_ from the seventies."

 

She looks up at him, smiling as she shrugs, before placing her phone back in her pocket.

 

"Come on," she invites, closing both her hands around his arm as he slips his into her back pocket, "let's go."

 

He keeps smiling at her as he walks beside her, arm still around her, following wherever she leads - kissing, nuzzling and reveling in the fact that she's once again in his arms; that it's where she wants to be and that he can look forward to (hopefully) a lifetime of this - of being with her, of loving her, of making her happy. 

 

If she wants him wrapped around her forever, that's perfect: there's nowhere else he'd rather be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_When your life is just confusion_

_And you're crashing to the ground_

_And you need someone to catch you_

_And then you finally figured out_

 

  _That it was me that held you hostage_

_And it was me that held the key_

_And it was me that made you happy_

_And it was me that set you free_

 

 

 

 

 

_\- Goo Goo Dolls, "Use Me"_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for going on this journey with me. It was so much fun, and made even more so by your support.
> 
> If you ever want to talk about Covinsky, any of my other OTPs or anything else, feel free to hit me up on Twitter @Waffleberry1.
> 
> Thanks for reading and for all the love!


End file.
